A Short Rant, Cleverly Disguised as a Simple Question

(Original post: July 23, 2010)

I’ve wondered about this for quite some time, and I think it’s about time I just asked. What the heck is up with preppy-type people and asterisks? Do they actually serve a purpose in typing a sentence, or are they just decorative?

Disclaimer: I realize that there are some people who aren’t stereotypical preps who do this too, so I’m not trying to insult you by clumping you in with them. Actually, I’m hoping you’ll be the ones to explain this.

In my world, asterisks serve a handful of practical purposes.

• They can be used to suggest an action. *eyeroll* *pokes* *stabs with a firepoker*, etc.
• In IRC, you surround a word with asterisks to bold it. I think. I haven’t actually done that in forever.
• You can use one asterisk to indicate that you are obsessively correcting a spelling error or typo.
• In wikimarkup, you use asterisks to create bulleted lists. (Which is so much easier than the craploads of HTML I have to type out to make this one. Not that anyone cares.)

That said, I don’t * understand why people type like… well, that. *points* Like, seriously… what is the asterisk for?! No, I’m not calling it stupid (yet), but I want to know why people do that. I will call it tacky, annoying, and weird looking, but again, if there’s a point, I might hate it less.

It looks like maybe they’re supposed to show emphasis, but my only other guess is that they’re just “decorative” and “extra” (like all those stupid heart things and multiple unnecessary lettersssssssss). Someone, please clear this up for me. I’m tired of not knowing simply because I have better things to do with my time than put asterisks between every other word I type. For enlightening me, you get… uhhh… an imaginary cookie?

Things That the World Would Be Better off Without: Hotel Showers

(Original post: July 11, 2010)

Overall, I had an awesome time at clarinet camp and Gainesville in general. Learned some stuff, met some cool people, didn’t freeze to death. At the moment, I’m at my grandparents’ house, being a hermit in my room and enjoying the non-prehistoric, modern, fast computer in here. Due to a lack of anything else to do at the moment, I’m going to go ahead and type the rant I’ve been contemplating since my last trip to UF in April.

For many, many years, I have been on a quest to find the ultimate hotel shower (or at least one that would be good for something besides watering plants). So far, I have not succeeded. Such a shower does not exist in Gainesville, Hattiesburg MS, Orlando, Tampa, Callaway Gardens in Georgia, wherever I stayed in Alabama to take some stupid standardized test, or anywhere else I have traveled to. Grant it, I don’t do much traveling, but I would’ve hoped for something better by now.

The criteria for a decent hotel shower would be as follows:

• You should feel cleaner upon exiting the shower than you did upon entering. Not the other way around. You start off slightly sweaty and grimy, and you exit sweaty and grimy with half a bottle of shampoo still in your hair. This is because of a lack of…
• WATER PRESSURE. This is a biggie. How can you get clean when the showerhead is basically a glorified (broken) lawn sprinkler? The whole point of showering is to apply soap, which is then washed off, taking the grime with it. If there isn’t enough water pressure to get rid of the soap, it stays, along with the grime. Bleh.
• The showerhead should be an environmental disaster. That’s right, you heard me. No more of these stupid “water saving, eco-friendly” bathroom fixtures, especially showerheads. I suppose they do save water, but that’s because they barely use any of it, and it’s dispersed out of so many tiny holes that are so far apart that it looks like a lot of water, even though it isn’t (coupled with a lack of water pressure, this sucks). Look at it this way: You can shower in five or ten minutes with a decent, normal showerhead. With an eco-friendly one, it takes an hour or so, and even then you’re still not clean. By the time you’re done showering, you prolly wasted more water with the eco-friendly one.
• Some sort of traction. Falling on your face in a shower is never fun. I would think hotels would want to make this as difficult as possible, what with liability issues and all, but I guess not. I have some pretty interesting faucet-shaped bruises right now. Stupid perfectly smooth shower floors.
• Bullet holes, mysterious stains, and green stuff are all major no-nos. Ah, the cheap motels we always stay at for band trips. I’m not even kidding you, I swear those were bullet holes in the shower curtain…

Quite honestly, you would be better off sponge-bathing in the sink than you would be trying to use a shower in most hotels. The sink probably has more water pressure and less stuff growing in it. Just a thought.

If you really don’t care that much about your personal hygeine, please disregard this rant. If you think I’m over-dramatizing, take into account that I am extremly bored and also imagine what you would feel like after three days without a decent shower. Otherwise, if you’ve ever seen a hotel shower that actually isn’t totally horrible, please tell me. I feel myself beginning to lose hope.

And don’t even get me started on dorm showers…

Hey, it’s a rant lol!

(Original post: June 29, 2010)

I thought about posting this as a status, but since I’m prolly gonna get flamed enough as it is, I decided to put it in a note so people have to make a conscious decision to read it or not. This is just some food for thought that’s been bugging me for a while… did you know, people were able to have intelligent conversations long before the expression “LOL” was invented?

Stop. Before you read any further, let me clarify that this is simply my opinion. All my rants are opinions, but this one is different. Most of the other things I rant about, I actually have a point and most people agree with my opinion. However, I doubt that will be the case here. Very few people will probably take this seriously, and I realize that if I was a normal teenager with a texting addiction, this wouldn’t bother me at all. So hold your hate mail. Okay, continue reading.

Of all the grossly overused chat acronyms, I would have to say that LOL is my least favorite. I think this is because I read text messages differently than most people and imagine a person talking instead of translating from text language to English in my head. (This is why I grossly overuse emoticons instead of chat acronyms… they make more sense to me. Feel free to yell at me if my emoticon habit annoys you. I’m sure it does. It annoys me sometimes.)

So, when I read LOL, I don’t think “laugh out loud”. I read “L-O-L”, which really means nothing to me, and then I think it’s just retarded. For one thing, you’re probably not actually laughing out loud. (This is why cool people say “haha”… though this should also be done in moderation.) For another, people have taken to saying LOL in situations where there is absolutely no reason to be laughing, out loud or otherwise. Examples (that are somewhat based on what I’ve seen other people say, but still come from my own imagination):

“hey lol im going to the store back later lol”

“aww my flipflop broke oh well i got a goldfish today lol”

“lol school was fun today tanning with my friends now bbl lol”

“band was so much fun today im going to bed now lol”

“my cat died but dont worry im getting a new one tomorrow lol”

Newsflash: You sound severely mentally challenged when you type like that. Sorry, but it’s true. I’m sure even some of my texting addict friends would agree. LOL is not an adequate substitute for a punctuation marking (seeing as it’s often used where there should be a comma or a period), and just… very few of those things actually warrant laughing. If you want to express happiness (since that seems to be another common use of the acronym, as a happy space filler), just use a smiley face. Or better yet, leave it alone all together, because everyone knows getting a new pet or having fun with your friends is a happy occasion anyway.

This is not to say that LOL should never be used. Just, use some sense. Like, “my dad just knocked over a whole can of chicken and now my cats are going crazy lol” would make sense. Unless your dad is deathly allergic to cats, this is probably a humorous situation and you are probably actually laughing out loud. I laughed out loud while making up that random example.

This is not intended to be obnoxious or start a flame war, but if you wish to flame me, go right ahead lol. Oh wait, that’s not funny. Point made?

Why Do I Rant?

(Original post: June 22, 2010)

Due to lots of hateful messages and several thinly veiled death threats in response to the mini-Twilight rant, I think it’s about time I wrote this. A rant about why I rant. Oh boy. xD

Believe it or not, I’m not just a stuck-up jerk who just enjoys putting other people down. I can be, sometimes (if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a personalized rant, trust me, you know it), but that’s not what I’m trying to accomplish with this ranting thing. I’m not trying to present myself as being important, or get attention, or just tick people off for the heck of it. So please, put the torches and pitchforks down, people.

Simply put, I enjoy writing. However, I can’t write fiction. I have a fanfiction account, but I’ve never used it. Functionally, I’m an okay fiction writer, but I have the creativity of a tree stump. I eventually gave up on that idea altogether. So, in 2006, I came across wikiHow, and started writing there. Seems I’m pretty good at how-to articles… I’m an admin on the site now, and I have some ridiculous number of contributions that I’m too lazy to look up. However, I went through a long period of writers’ block on wH last year, and since then, I’ve never really been able to get back into things. As a result, I took my writing to facebook.

I realize that absolutely nobody cares about my personal life, and I really don’t want to plaster it all over facebook anyway. So, be glad you’re not getting daily updates on who I’m dating, what I had for dinner last night, and the camping trip I just got home from. If you ask me, that’s the kind of writing that’s annoying, self-centered, and makes people sound stuck-up. It also starts drama among people, which is annoying. My rants start more drama among ideas… if you turn it into drama among people (as in me vs. you, instead of anti-twilight vs. twitards), then you’re the one with the ego problems here.

Now, I realize I could write about things I like instead of things I hate, but I don’t, for several reasons.

1. I’m an outspoken pessimist and skeptic. However, I don’t just hate and distrust everything for the heck of it. I call this being careful. I am capable of enjoying things and being optimistic about some things, but I look at the situation carefully first. I’m not the type to fling myself into a high school relationship with a view that everything is going to be perfect and the person I’m dating is the next best thing to Jesus. I’d rather look at the sky and assume it’s going to rain and not take my chances than tell myself it’ll clear up and end up stranded on the other side of the subdivision in the rain with 800 dollars worth of camera equipment and no cell phone. I’d rather not have a cell phone than spend ridiculous amounts of money paying bills for one and replacing it every two months as I break it.
2. I think differently than a lot of other people my age. I don’t think this makes me “better” than them (though it does occasionally give me a better grip on reality), but I like being different. I don’t like cell phones, or video games, or the idea of being in “love” at the age of 15, and I really don’t care who knows it. Just like you don’t care if everyone knows that you do love cell phones, video games, and your boyfriend of two days.
3. Do you actually care about things I like? Sure, I could write about how much I love photography or horses or the clarinet or something, but nobody would care. Plus I’d sound stupid, self-obsessed, and annoying.
4. Everything good is good because something else is bad (at least in the eyes of the person having the opinion). Okay, suppose I did write about how great the clarinet is. At least indirectly, that would involve putting down all the other instruments, and I’d still get craploads of hate mail from other band people calling me dumb because “obviously”, the trombone is soooo much better. Also, goodness is relative. The Brick is amazing because my point-and-shoot is such a piece of crap. However, Stephanie’s even cheaper, lamer, uglier, crappier point-and-shoot makes mine look awesome. If I got a Canon 5D Mark II, I’d ditch the Rebel XS in an instant. So, no matter what approach I took to writing, I’d be putting something else down.
5. It’s so much easier to get worked up over something you don’t like. Writing is somewhat therapeutic for me, and part of the reason it’s so satisfying is that it’s fun to rip the crap out of something you don’t like, as opposed to writing some lame monologue about how non-sucky something is. I could write maybe a paragraph or two about my concert clarinet, but I could write pages and pages about all the things I don’t like about my marching horn. And when you get right down to it, you’d prolly rather read the latter.

First off, I do not just hate things because everyone else likes them. I hate them because I have sat down and thought about what I think of them, and I have decided I don’t like them. I have more informed reasons for hating things than you do for liking them, most likely.

You don’t have to agree with me. In fact, I don’t expect you to agree with me. Like I said, I have a very different view on most things, and I’m simply voicing my opinion in response to yours. The only difference is that you post yours in small doses (in statuses and such), and I post mine in one big epic rant. If you disagree with me and you think it’s because I’m truly uninformed, then let me know, civilly. I may profess to hate country music in general, but you introduce me to one country artist that isn’t so bad. There are exceptions to everything, and I’m open to exploring them. However, if you tell me to “retract all those mean things you said about Justin Bieber, or die”, I’ll choose dying. At least then I won’t have to go to the grave knowing I complimented Justin Bieber (and before you try, I have tried to find a decent Bieber song, and I’ve failed).

Also, you are in no way required to read anything I post, just as you are not required to agree with it. If you’re a camera-abusing, pop music and twilight loving, hopeless romantic and my rants always make you want to punch me, then don’t read them. I do post them on the internet because I think it’s interesting to get feedback (as opposed to writing all the time and never sharing it), but they’re really not that up in your face.

Now, I will admit that I have a problem with being unnecessarily negative. Yes, my overuse of words like “stupid”, “retarded”, “moronic”, “pathetic” and “idiotic” to describe the things I rant about is uncalled for at times. However, I write like I talk, and I write what pops into my head without too much after-the-fact editing. In addition, I’m not writing for a newspaper or something. I’m not required to be polite or politically correct, and I don’t try to be. What you read is pretty much exactly what I think, minus a few swear words, perhaps. Keep in mind, though, I’m not usually calling the people those things, just the ideas. I have friends who like Twilight. I have friends who think they’re in “love”, and they annoy me sometimes, but in general, they’re okay people. I have lots of friends who should be banned from using picnik. This doesn’t make them bad people, though. We just disagree about some things

Plus, it depends how you define “bad”. I generally don’t befriend a lot of people whose views on everything are totally opposite mine, but that doesn’t mean I think they’re terrorists, or that I want them to die horrible, painful deaths. I just avoid talking to them and don’t mind making fun of their pathet–er, misguided crushes on Jacob what’s-his-face from Twilight on occasion.

And I never target specific people. Never have I started a rant with “And I’m writing this because so-and-so is an idiot”. Now, I may indirectly mention people sometimes, but it’s just unavoidable. I have to get my inspiration from somewhere, and if everyone happens to figure out who inspired me, then maybe that person needs to tone it down a bit. I will never, ever use names, and I do my best to be discreet when I reference individuals.

So, in conclusion… if you agree with me, good for you. If you oppose me, then feel free to being it to my attention if you so desire, politely. However, the death threats are not necessary. If you’re really so obsessed with Edward Cullen that you’d kill for him, maybe you could use a psychological evaluation and a nice straitjacket… but please don’t take it out on me. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Attention, Twitards

(Original post: June 22, 2010)

Here we go, the long-awaited Twilight rant. Bring on the hate mail.

Well, since Stephen Lash provided me with the idea for this, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I could write a short novel about how much Twilight sucks, how much I hate it, how bad a writer Stephenie Meyer is, and how much I despise twitards. But nobody would read that. So, I realized I could sum up all my thoughts about Twilight (and the idiots who obsess over it) in two sentences. They are as follows:

Edward and Jacob are not real. They will never marry you, you will never have their children, and they really don’t care whose side you’re on, because they are not real.

There you have it, my shortest rant ever. Discuss.

You Call That Computer-Generated, Vulgar Crap MUSIC?

(Original post: June 17, 2010)

People are always trying to place blame for the slow degradation of American society that we are all witnessing. They blame bad parenting techniques, technology, Obama, and pretty much everything else in the world. And while most of those things are partially responsible, the real reason society sucks is popular music. Or, those half-naked people covered in glitter making disturbing animal-like noises and occasionally singing a note while accompanied by a large backup band of computers, synthesizers, and sound techs. Hence the problem.

Y’know, I complain about insomnia a lot, but I actually do some pretty good thinking at 2:30 in the morning. I tried to write this out on paper this morning, but I couldn’t write fast enough to keep up with all the nuclear powerful, hate mail inspiring points I wanted to get in, so I had to put it off until I woke up. This is shaping up to be perhaps the most epic rant I have written so far. I’m excited.

So, I will start off by stating my general opinion of music. For the most part, I listen to what the radio business has labeled as “adult contemporary”. This consists mostly of soft rock type stuff from the 70s, 80s, and 90s, with the occasional venture back to the 60s and, unfortunately, some newer stuff working its way in there now. Radio people, here’s a newsflash for you… people who listen to adult contemporary really don’t care about the teardrops on Taylor Swift’s guitar. They don’t care about Carrie Underwood’s cheating boyfriend. They don’t care about Kelly Clarkson’s insecurity issues. Please give us our oldies back. (To be fair, it’s not all horrible… Coldplay, Michael Buble, and the like are okay, actually). There are two reasons that I like this kind of music.

Number one, I have been “brainwashed” from an early age. I have old fart parents. When I was little, I used to go to sleep listening to a tape of instrumental versions of popular songs by Lionel Richie, Phil Collins, Bryan Adams, Elton John, and the like. Up until fairly recently, I wasn’t even aware that a world of horrible music existed beyond my little comfort bubble of oldies. Which brings me to reason number two…

Today’s popular music SUCKS. There’s no talent involved at all. Any idiot who can sing on pitch and look semi-attractive (the standard of “attractive”, of course, is set by another corrupt area of today’s society) can be a famous singer. Look at Justin Bieber, for example. Wasn’t he discovered on youtube or something? Sure, he has a decent singing voice (for a prepubescent teenage boy or an older teenager girl), and people think he’s cute, but does it really take any talent to be Justin Bieber? No. He doesn’t write his own songs, he doesn’t play an instrument that I know of… he just runs around with his microphone being all “cute” and he gets instant fangirls (bleh, Bieber fangirls… oh well, that’s a rant for another day).

This is due to what I call the Britney Spears era (and we all know how Britney Spears ended up). At some point, and probably somewhat due to her influence, a dude sitting on a stool singing and playing a guitar with a piano player and a couple of backup singers stopped being enough for the average audience. Now, there has to be fake smoke coming up from the stage, glitter all over everything, fancy colorful spotlights, and more, just to keep this generation of easily bored, brainwashed young people interested (I believe that this is due to video games and cell phones, but again, that’s another rant for some other time). And as if that’s not enough, the person singing should be wearing as little clothing as possible… bonus points if it’s made out of glitter, flames, leather, or something equally “sexy”. They should be crawling all over the stage and the people/things on it like some sort of sex-crazed maniac (which I suppose they prolly are), and they should be singing about something that fits the setting.

Obviously, all that emphasis on such garbage is really taking away from the quality of the actual music. But then again, who really cares anymore? It’s a woman in skimpy clothes crawling all over the floor and talking about sex… teenage boys are hooked. They don’t care if the music is original, or well-composed, or anything, as long as they can enjoy the eye candy. (And people wonder why teenage boys these days are even more perverted than they used to be… they can’t buy a CD anymore without it coming with a collection of free porn).

So on the flip side, think of what kind of message this is sending to girls. They’re growing up in a world where having gigantic lips (and other body parts), bellybutton rings, and skintight clothing is the only way to get noticed by one of these perverted guys. And unfortunately, it’s true. Thanks a bunch, popular media. Every self-respecting parent wants their kid to grow up to be a whore with three kids before they turn 20. I remember having a conversation with someone once about Lady Gaga… supposedly, she graduated from some big time music school with a degree in piano. So I’m like “Why isn’t she a famous piano player, then? It’s not unheard of.” The other person replied “You don’t get the big money or fame from being a piano player”. I said “You do if your piano is see-through, covered in glitter, and spewing flames, and you’re wearing a shiny string bikini.” I dare you to argue with that.

Now, there is current popular music out there that isn’t promoting a whorish lifestyle at the age of 16. However, that other stuff falls into one of two other categories: Hate-filled music, and mushy gushy disgusting cheesy garbage that makes teenage girls think love is possible at the age of 12 (see my rant about that from a couple weeks ago). And those other two categories are still very lacking as far as actual musical talent goes.

First, the former category I mentioned. This isn’t quite as mainstream, but some of that serious rock/heavy metal stuff is pretty dang depressing and hateful. And while music like that is what you need to listen to at times (even I do that… music can be very therapeutic), some of it’s a bit over-the-top. The angry teenagers bred by today’s society really shouldn’t be listening to music about killing all your enemies and brutally dismembering them. Don’t give them any ideas. However, I will admit that some of these darker music groups do have a little more talent than those pop singers. They at least write their own disgusting, hateful music and play actual instruments.

Then there’s the latter category… the stuff the little preteens listen to that gets them geared up to move on to the sexpot stuff and sets the destruction of their lives in motion. My own little sister is becoming a Taylor Swift fan, God help us all. This would include Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Jordin Sparks (to a degree), Miley Cyrus (ahem, not the greatest role model for our 8 year olds, apparently), and the like. They don’t sing about hate, or depression, or sex (for the most part)… instead, they sing stupid, cheesy songs about teenage “love”, “romance”, and breakups and the like. Taylor Swift really annoys me. All her songs sound exactly the same, and they present a fairy-tale like view of how little kids should feel in relationships. Please don’t encourage them. Same with Justin Bieber, from what I’ve heard of his “music”. And don’t get me started on Miley Cyrus… seems she’s taken a turn for the Britney Spears era. What’s disgusting is that little kids look up to these losers, and expect their lives to be like a Taylor Swift song. Dream on, kiddies. Oh and, someone really should tell that “country” singer wannabe that Romeo and Juliet died.

A side note on that… what’s happening to country music? Grant it, I hate country music… but I was under the impression that country music was supposed to be about losing your wife, your dog, your truck, and your wife. Seems nowadays anyone who sings pop music with a southern accent can be “country”. Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood, at least their most popular songs, are not country. That’s pop. Sheesh.

Oh God, and then there’s rap. Rap should not even be allowed to be considered music. It takes perhaps the least amount of talent of all… they’re not even really singing, they’re talking rhythmically and making weird noises around a dialogue about banging girls in a club. You take the “singing” out of any rap track, and you get pretty much the same beat. And all the songs are about some kind of kinky sex (usually with lots of people) and/or violence. Wow, you’re cool. You have a Chevy full of girls and you kick them all to the curb when you’re done with them. Some girl licked you like a lollipop. You just wasted a bunch of money in a strip club because you’re a crazed, womanizing pig who can afford such disgusting hobbies. Good for freaking you.

Now, let’s look at the subject matter of good old soft rock. Yes, a lot of it’s cheesy love songs, but at least they’re well-written cheesy love songs and the person who’s singing them actually cares. But they do have elements of what seems to make music popular these days. You want cheating? Lyin’ Eyes – Eagles. Does that song graphically describe the cheating and then talk about how the guy beat the snot out of the girl? No. It is possible to write a song on that subject without getting disturbing. And a lot of that music does describe, or at least mention, sex without being overly graphic or suggesting that woman is the man’s submissive plaything. There are a lot of songs that I haven’t heard in a while that I’m just now realizing that’s what they were talking about. See? Kid-safe perversion. Old people aren’t total prudes. They just know how to talk about love and sex with some kind of class and discretion. Lady Gaga should try it sometime.

But now you’re gonna tell me that old music is making a comeback. The Beatles becoming the latest fashion trend is not a comeback. Dude, the Beatles are amazing. But how many people walking around in those hoodies with “The Beatles” across the front or carrying those bags with the Abbey Road album cover on them are actually die-hard Beatles fans because they truly appreciate their musical genius? Probably not very many. I’d love to see people walking around with Elton John or Chicago all over everything they own. But something tells me it’s not gonna happen.

Side note again, I hope you people realize how much you owe those old, dried out, “lame” oldies singers for the things you love so much. Whose songs are so well-known for being in the Lion King? Elton John. Who did the soundtrack for Brother Bear? Phil Collins. Whose song was that at the end of Finding Nemo? Frank Sinatra. Most of these old farts probably influenced the losers you listen to now, in a way. You’re surrounded by oldies all the time, and I bet you don’t mind it until you realize who you’re becoming a fan of.

Okay, now I will admit, there is one genre of newer music that I don’t totally despise – I guess you call it “alternative [computer generated] rock”. I’ll just come out and say it, I am a closet Owl City fan. Yes, all Owl City songs sound the same, they’re mainly computer-generated, and they’re cheesy. I didn’t say I based my life around them. But there’s just something about the way those songs present the cheesy lovey crap they talk about… it’s not so blunt and direct (ahem, Taylor Swift). It’s a bit random and nonsensical at times. See, I’m also a huge Elton John fan. (You guys want random, go listen to Goodbye Yellow Brick Road or Benny and the Jets). Something about totally nonsensical music appeals to me, I guess. It gets you thinking if there’s supposed to be a hidden message in there or something, or if what’s-his-face just ran out of ways to be cutesy.

And a word on Elton John and the other singers of his time… yes, I realize that they may not have been the greatest role models either. They did drugs, a lot of them turned out to be gay, and I’m sure there were other issues. But did they sing about doing drugs or give you explicit accounts of their gay relations with others? No, not really. (Okay, so a lot of Elton John stuff was probably drug-induced… but at least when he was totally stoned, he could still come up with a decent song). But compared to the scandals of the stars today, their skeletons in the closet are pretty tame. So before you go attacking me on that, think about Chris Brown and Rihana, or that thing with Miley Cyrus’s new music video.

Also, I’m not a hypocrite. I do listen to some mainstream stuff, but it’s not because I totally love it and base my whole life around it. Maybe because it’s been worked into the adult contemporary stations and I’ve grown to like it, or because I like the [computer generated, but somewhat original] beat to it, or because I’ve formed a deep personal connection with the crappy lyrics that took some moron ten minutes to come up with. For instance, Gives You Hell – All American Rejects. Not much of a song, but I heard it on the radio once and cracked up… finally, a song with a chorus that perfectly describes the hateful relationship (or lack thereof) between me and this hateful, shallow, obnoxious, evil lady that lives down my street. Even after all the crap I gave one of my friends about Greenday back in fifth grade, Boulevard of Broken Dreams has grown on me (they’re not totally horrible, either). I like a lot of Coldplay, Michael Buble, the Fray (haha, those all rhyme… oh, I crack myself up), and similar artists. I hate Nickelback and similar groups, though. They suck. So does Jordin Sparks, but I listen to a couple of her songs sometimes for sentimental reasons. I’m a weirdo like that.

Okay, I think I’m finally done. God, my hands hurt. If you actually read that whole thing, good for you… I tried to work in bulleted lists to make things easier to follow, but my bullet points were starting to be three paragraphs long, so I gave up. Now, as always, the hate mail invitation. And I know you’re all gonna have something to say about this one. So, bring on the hate mail! And also, keep in mind that I am an old fart in a teenager’s body, so I’m a bit behind on the times. I tried to make sure I didn’t say anything that I wasn’t relatively sure was factual, but if I made any blatant mistakes when describing something, please correct me. I’m just going on public opinion and my general impressions here. If you don’t like that I used your favorite artist as a scapegoat, be prepared to defend them with facts, but I’d love to hear your argument.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Formspring

(Original post: June 15, 2010)

The concept of formspring is an interesting one. It was originally created as a way for people to ask questions and answer them, which is harmless enough. However, the creators obviously didn’t realize that it would become such a popular way to anonymously bash people and, on the flip side, make your peers lose all respect for you. Please have some sense, people.

When I’m bored, one of my favorite things to do is read other peoples’ formsprings. And to anyone who thinks that makes me a stalker, let’s look at this for a moment: It’s the internet. Everything you post on it is public. If you choose to talk about your sex life, trash talk your supposed best friend, or spill someone’s deep dark secret, and you don’t want me to read it, don’t post it on formspring. Really, I only enjoy this because, as you may have already figured out, stupid people amuse me. However, enough is enough. Now reading those things is starting to make me ashamed to breathe the same air as those losers.

So, instead of worrying about this issue quietly, I’m going to publicly rant about it and attempt to give the uneducated public a clue. Please listen closely, and remember, hate mail is welcomed and expected, but the only person you’re making look stupid is yourself. Please direct any outrage at my inbox, because I deleted my formspring.

First off, there are some questions that you should just not answer. (Actually, seeing as the problem crowd for this is mostly between the ages of 12 and 16, you shouldn’t be able to answer them, but society is screwed up nowadays…) Some things just need to be kept to yourself, and aren’t anyone else’s business. You are not obligated to answer every single question you get. And please don’t… quite honestly, we never needed to know some of this stuff about you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or your best friend asked you; we don’t know that and it’s still disturbing or obnoxious and a bad reflection on you. Before you answer something, make sure it doesn’t fall into any of the categories below. If it does, that’s what the delete button is for.

• Anything about your love life, sex life, etc. When someone asks “How many guys have you banged?” “*fourrrrrr” is not an acceptable answer. Your personal life is “personal” for a reason. We don’t want to know.)
• Anything about someone else’s love life, sex life, etc. If you don’t like it when people publicly trash you all over their formspring, then don’t do it to them on yours. It’s immature, obnoxious, and will not win you very many friends. Don’t even defend the other person… just delete the question and leave the issue be. If people did this, there would be a dramatic decrease in hate wars and chick fights, which I’m sure would be a relief to everyone.
• Anything that you would not be comfortable telling your grandmother. If someone asks what kind of underwear you’re wearing, you are not required to answer it, and quite frankly, most of your friends would’ve preferred never to know that about you. And if you have a grandmother that talks to you about that kind of stuff, then imagine it’s someone else’s grandmother. Or a nun. You get the idea.

Keep in mind that, believe it or not, people do judge you by what’s on your formspring. If someone asks a personal question and you answer it with something vague or joking, other people that see that will always wonder. If you don’t want people to wonder if you’re slut, don’t answer “Are you a virgin?” with “who wants to knowwwww? ;);)”

Speaking of the way you answer stuff, I’m about to make you question everything you previously believed about life. You will never be quite the same after you hear this. Ready? Okay, guess what? Using lots of extra letters, punctuation, smiley faces, and those retarded looking heart things does not make your point any clearer. They make you look like a preppy, retarded attention whore. I know some people double a letter or two just because that’s how they type, but few people stop there. When the word “me” takes up half the screen, you need to get a life.

And another thing… swearing doesn’t help get your point across either. It’s absolutely disgusting to see 12 or 13 year olds answering every question with a swear word every other word. And what’s up with calling everyone a skank(kkkkkkkkk) or a hoe(eeeeee)? Do people think that’s a sign of affection these days? I don’t care if it’s coming from my best friend… I think it’s obnoxious and rude. A decent friend would find something nicer to call you.

Now, another important point. Formspring is not an adequate substitute for face-to-face human interaction. It’s bad enough to ask someone out via text message, but don’t do it via formspring. Especially if you plan to do it anonymously. Like, exactly what have you accomplished by that? And don’t stalk people. It’s just disrespectful… it suggests that the object of your deranged affection isn’t important enough to you to be complimented in person. And if your identity is ever revealed, you’re going to look pretty dang stupid. And I’ll laugh, along with the rest of the world.

One last thing. Remember, formspring is public. Creepers are attracted to people that type like pathetic attention whores and post pictures of themselves in string bikinis… especially if they’re like 12… so don’t put your phone number on your formspring. Just don’t. Idiots.

Well, I hope this round of hate-mail bait does some good… if not, I had fun writing it, at least. You don’t really realize how bad the problem is until you have six or seven of these formsprings up to give you inspiration to write.

Children, use your newfound knowledge wisely, and think twice before you answer (or ask) a formspring question that is better off left unsaid. Be mature, people. You’re not five years old… deal with your problems in person, please. Or, better yet, just keep your mouth shut. Grow up. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Dear Broken-Hearted Teenager, You’re Not Depressed Either

(Original post: June 8, 2010)

Upon reflection, I think there are some points in my epic rant about “lovestruck” teenagers that could’ve used more elaboration than they got. The main one I’d like to touch on is the abuse of the word “depression” that usually immediately follows the abuse of the word “love”. The more I got to thinking about it, the more I decided that this topic deserves (at least) a mini-rant of its own.

If you haven’t read Cupid Doesn’t Shoot Teenagers yet, I would suggest you go read it first. A decent understanding of my attitude towards teenagers claiming to be in love will be required to grasp how much more I hate it when they claim to be depressed.

If I deleted every one of my facebook friends that has been guilty of some variation of the scenario I’m about to describe, there really wouldn’t be much point in me having a facebook, as I’d have almost no friends left under the age of 30. So, in your hate mail, please refrain from telling me “well, if you don’t like it, just delete me”. Obviously, if I haven’t deleted you yet, it’s either because I want to be able to contact you or because your stupidity is hilarious. Or both.

So, without further ado, the number one most annoying thing you can possibly do that will drive me completely insane and make me want to stab you repeatedly with a rusty pitchfork: Be a freshman (or younger), or act like one even though you’re older. Date someone else who fits that same description. Within 5 minutes of becoming a “couple”, start going on and on about how much you “love” each other… on facebook, in person, and/or via other forms of electronic communication. Continue doing this for a few days/weeks/months. Break up (probably over something stupid, like the fact that you were annoying the crap out of people by doing what I just described). Take it out on your innocent facebook friends by posting status after status about how mad and/or “depressed” you are, starting hate wars, etc.

Do you have ANY idea how ignorant and stupid you look when you do that?!?!?!? Nobody wants to read that garbage. We have better things to do with our lives than listen to you lament about how your life is over (when in reality, it’s still barely begun) because so-and-so dumped you. And besides that, there’s the goal of this particular rant: To get you to think twice before you start throwing around the word “depressed”.

I suppose the worst thing about this is that while teenagers are incapable of being in love (refer to my last note), they are very capable of being depressed. Around 70 percent of teens suffer from more than a single episode of depression before the age of 18. Here’s the source, if you don’t believe me… also contains lots of other facts that should make a statement to you.) That depression isn’t brought on by something as trivial as the end of a high school relationship, though. Perhaps they are depressed because their parents have gone through a nasty divorce and now they’re being abused by their alcoholic stepfather. Perhaps they’ve lost a loved one in an auto accident… and they were driving. Perhaps their family is struggling to make ends meet, and they know they may lose their home and almost everything else they own at any moment when their savings finally run out. Perhaps both their parents are unemployed while pouring huge amounts of money into a costly lawsuit that has dragged on for years and years, with no end in sight. Perhaps they’ve been in foster care their whole life, and never truly felt that they had a home to call theirs, parents to love them, or friends to support them.

Quite frankly, I hope you feel like crap after reading that, if you have any soul at all and you have been guilty of abusing the word “depression”. I hope that thought sticks in your head forever, and you will never, ever make that mistake again. Because how do you think the people that are actually depressed feel when they read your crap? And don’t tell yourself that you don’t have any friends on here that suffer from depression. Most people who are actually depressed don’t tell the whole world about it. Your best friend may be suffering, and you could never know, unless they choose to tell you. If you’re shallow enough to be flipping out over a high school relationship, something tells me you’re not going to notice the little signs they may be giving you. Don’t risk making someone you care about… or even someone you may barely know… hurt even worse.

Instead, let me help you. Read the following sentence: “OMG i cant believe he broke up with me! im so depressed now. :’(“. First of all, feel a stab of guilt because that prolly sounds an awful lot like you. Now, see how “depressed” is italicized? Here are some words you could substitute in instead, that do not really change the meaning of your statement, but are less offensive: Sad, upset, angry, offended, ticked, distraught, stupid, mad, idiotic, saddened, etc. Okay, some of those were perhaps a bit biased on my part. But you get the point. You can be sad. You can be angry. You can be upset. But you are not depressed.

The fact of the matter is, people who are really depressed, like I said before, don’t just come right out and say it to everybody. Saying it right out is just looking for attention and being ignorant. They may make public statements that suggest it in a less obvious sort of way, because they so want someone to notice and reach out to them (and if you pick up on that, be that person), but they will never post “I’m depressed” as a status. So you shouldn’t do that either, if you have any common sense or respect at all.

Now, as you may have realized already, this rant serves a dual purpose. Besides addressing the issue of ignorant, misguided high school students abusing the word “depression”, I also want to address something else that bothers me. If 70% of teenagers are depressed before the age of 18, think about how many people you probably come into contact with every day who might be suffering from this illness, and might suddenly not be around anymore one day. It pains me to think how many people in the world would still be around if only someone had noticed them quietly begging for help and reached out to them. I highly suggest you all read this article. I did some work on it a while ago (if you didn’t know already, I’m an editor and administrator of wikiHow), and while it is about suicide, those signs also point out the depression that comes first. You have no idea what kind of difference you can make just by being there.

Sit for a while and let this all sink in. I hope, now that you’ve finished reading this, that something about the way you see the world around you and the people in it has changed. I hope there will be a serious decrease in the number of ignorant people clogging up my news feed with their so-called “serious” problems… that really aren’t so serious anymore, are they? And even more, I hope there will be a serious decrease in the number of people walking the halls at your high school next year who feel like nobody would notice if they walked out the front door one day… and never came back.

Cupid Doesn’t Shoot Teenagers

(Original Post: June 6, 2010)

WARNING: If you are under the age of 20 and have managed to delude yourself into thinking that you and whoever you are dating/stalking are truly “in love”, do not read this. The truth will probably be too much for you.

However, if you are a teenager with a brain and some common sense, or you think you might be in love with the person you have been dating for two weeks, but aren’t quite sure, this rant is for you. Because watch, I’m about to answer your question with the absolute, positive, 100% correct answer, for free. Your constant nights of mental torment will soon be over. Okay, ready? You are not in love. Why? Because you are a teenager, in high school (or worse, middle school), and you are simply not old enough or mature enough to know what love is. What you are experiencing is, perhaps, a very strong sense of “like”, but nothing more.

Okay, now before I get into exactly why that is so, I will insert two disclaimers. The first is that I am not a hypocrite. Let’s just say, odd extenuating circumstances have a tendency to make peoples’ standard of what is idiotic crap go waaaayyy down, and they will put up with and go along with stupidity that would normally end in a nice slap to the face for the other person involved. However, they do this while completely conscious that what they are going along with is retarded, they just lack the energy to bother to set things straight.

So, that said, disclaimer number two: I am not posting this to target any specific person. Not anyone I have personally called out on this issue before, not the person I was referring to in disclaimer number one, and not anyone who might’ve possibly deleted me on facebook for giving them a condensed version of this. xD This is just an issue that has always bothered me, even more than bad photography (see my multi-page rant from two days ago; hey, I’m on a roll here), and I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, this will set some people straight, or at least get them thinking. So you can send me as much hate mail as you want (please do, I would love nothing more than to address your idiocy one-on-one), but I was not actually personally attacking you, specifically, in this note.

Yay, now that that’s over with, here is a very well-organized, thought out, easy-to-read bulleted list that explains exactly why you did not meet the love of your life at the age of 15.

• Teenagers simply are not mature enough to understand the concept of love. Sorry guys, but it’s a fact. We simply have not been alive long enough or matured enough to truly grasp any of the deepest emotions, and love is one of them. Like I said before, what you are feeling is an intense infatuation, but it will pass. Which brings me to my next point…
• This is all new to you. About that intense infatuation… yeah, you’re just in a state of “like” that you haven’t been in before, so you assume it’s love, because of your immaturity and your crazy teenage hormones. Hm, funny how these two points tie together so well. Then you end up extremely liking someone else more, and realize you were wrong the first time… and eventually you realize you’ve told everyone you’ve ever dated that you loved them, and now I bet you feel pretty stupid. Now that you are informed, avoid that trap as much as possible.
• Okay, admit it, you’re just looking for attention. Teenagers, particularly teenage girls, seem to enjoy two main pastimes: causing drama, and butting into other peoples’ business. But secretly, they enjoy it when other people are butting into their business, because it makes them feel important. The majority of teenage girls seem to have a huge superiority complex (I do not view myself as one of these people). We all know what you’re really trying to accomplish by telling the person you’re dating – and anyone else who will listen – that you’re “in love”. Look, if you want attention for being a desperate, attention-seeking moron, go jump off the Empire State Building. Please. And sheesh, it’s not even just girls. The guys are just as bad. Yeah, give up your man card right now. Whether it was your idea or your girlfriend is forcing you to act like a bumbling, “lovesick” idiot, the operative word here is “idiot”. You look like one. Get a life and/or a new girlfriend, now.
• Be an individual. Don’t be stupid just because everyone else is. The age at which children start professing to “love” people other than their families is rapidly decreasing. Just the other day, I somehow ended up on the facebook page of one of my sister’s friends. This girl is around 10 or 11 years old and in the fifth grade. Already, she claims to be “in a relationship” with another fifth grader, and has plastered all over her page that she loves him. This is utterly ridiculous. But unfortunately, I’m sure her friends will catch on soon enough. I think this is why so many slightly older, but still young people are doing the same thing. They see someone that they regard as “popular” or someone to look up to doing such things, and assume that that’s just what everyone does. So, let me clear things up for you: Not every teenage couple claims to be in love. And definitely not all of them feel it necessary to plaster it all over facebook. Have some common sense, and don’t conform. Your relationship is your business. Keep it that way.
• Even the statistics support the idea that you’re living in a dream world. I tried to do some research to find actual numbers to put here, but unfortunately, there’s so much crap on the internet these days, it was impossible to find much of anything. So instead, I’ll let you employ some common sense here. Anything you’ve seen proclaiming that “90% of people marry their high school love” is totally bogus. Think about it. How many people do you know that actually married their high school love? Not very many, right? And of those, how many of them are still together with that person? … Yeah, that’s what I thought. The message you should be getting here is that what you are feeling right now is extremely unlikely to last.
• Very few plans made so far in advance actually work out. You may think you’re going to marry this person in the future (ha, yeah right), but seeing as you most likely won’t even be able to marry them until you’re 18 (unless you have really immature parents who would give you permission to marry before that, which by the way is destined to fail), there’s a 99.9% chance that those plans will fail in the year(s) you still have to go before you are both 18.

So, are you convinced yet? Maybe some of this is finally starting to penetrate your thick skull. Now, here’s another pet peeve of mine that goes along with this whole idea teenagers have that they’re “in love”: Feeling it necessary to publicize it. Here are some things not to do if you want anyone with any common sense to respect you.

• Posting sappy love messages all over your boyfriend/girlfriend’s facebook page. That right there is a great way to make intelligent people want to vomit and/or stab you. And I suppose if that’s what you’re going for, then go right ahead, but if you’re only doing it because you want to make sure the whole world knows because you think you’re that important, knock it off already. A simple “So-and-so is in a relationship with so-and-so” on your profile and perhaps the occasional more-than-friendly comment is more than enough. Anything more nauseating than that should take place in private message. Or even better, in person. What is up with children and their inability to talk to people face-to-face these days?…
• Re-updating your relationship status every other day. (Or worse, even more frequently). Look, we get it already. You’re dating them. Good for freaking you. Does anyone care? *crickets* … Yeah, that’s what I thought.
• Claiming to be engaged. Okay, screw disclaimer number two for a minute here. I suppose this has to do with one particular person, but that’s mostly because I’ve only seen one person (thank God) so far do this. Look, just… you’re stupid. It’s bad enough to think you’re in love after a week or two. Engagement is a new level of stupidity that actually exceeds the limits of the definition of the word “stupidity”. It needs a new word all to itself. Just don’t be this dumb, please.
• Dating people that are way older than you. Number one misconception held by freshman girls: That their senior boyfriend actually likes them for their personality. Wake up and smell the disaster waiting to happen. Don’t be that stupid. Also, if you date someone who’s a class or two ahead of you in high school, the chances that your relationship will survive one of you going away to college are pretty slim.
• Being disgusting in public. Really, nobody wants to see you making out in the hallway. Have some class, people. Sheesh. You just really want everyone to see that you’re in a relationship, don’t you? And because you “love” each other, right? *eyeroll*
• Making a huge deal out of it when you break up. Get over yourself, and get over the other person. Nobody develops clinical depression in the two minutes it takes to dump somebody, so please stop saying you’re depressed. Life will go on. You did not “love” the other person that much, and if you thought they loved you that much, you have a lot of growing up to do. Nobody wants to see you update your status every five minutes about how much you love and miss the person you dated for a week. Even a month. Even six months. And once a relationship has gone on longer than that, most people are mature enough not to act like that. Please, don’t end that however-long-it-was of doing the things I just mentioned with doing this. Let everyone be relieved that you finally broke up and therefore, will shut up, and move on. Be all “depressed” in the privacy of your own room. We really don’t care.

Okay, I suppose I’ve bashed my peers enough for now. Here’s a quick logical look at the exception, since I will be fair and see both sides of this. There are some people that marry their high school sweethearts and have stayed married. There may even be a couple of people in high school who you could tentatively say have reached the minimum level of maturity needed to have a serious relationship and truly be in love. However, the chances that two of those people will date each other are pretty slim. So, while one person may truly be in love, the other one isn’t, and this is bound to cause problems in the future. Maybe you will be the exception. If you and your significant other just graduated after several years of being together, maybe it’s a possibility. But if you’re a freshman and you’ve been dating for two weeks, don’t get your hopes up.

So kids, the bottom line here is: High school relationships, by definition, are not that serious. High school is designed to give you an education and start preparing you for the real world, and that includes with relationships. Most high school relationships are just “practice” for “real” dating. Not the beginning of your life with your true love. Once you manage to grasp this, you may be well on your way to being mature enough to truly understand.

I am in no way presenting myself as mature enough to recognize what love is. However, I am mature enough to recognize what it’s not. I’m also extremely cynical and pessimistic about everything, but as far as dating goes, that’s not a bad thing. Being too optimistic and naive is how people get hurt. Some people get hurt and start going on about how their lives are over; I just get slightly ticked and get over it. So, please use some smarts people. Don’t let other people use you, and don’t start throwing around the word “love” until you are much, much older.

And that concludes my epic rant, unless I think of something else to add… so, one last hate mail invitation. My inbox is always open. Go ahead, I dare you. Or you could just tell me how much you agree with me and make me feel like I’m not alone and I’ve accomplished something here. Your choice.

Do You Have a License to Carry That Camera?

(Original post: June 4, 2010)

Due to an unusually low level of interest in working on my 80-question history review, I figured I’d kill a few minutes by posting this rant that I have been contemplating putting into writing for quite some time. My goal for posting this is not to belittle or make fun of anyone (too much) or try to make myself sound “smart”, but rather to get the majority of the teenage population to stop making themselves look like idiots without even realizing it. Yes, this will probably be offensive to some. However, I have made sure to use lots of big words in an effort to deter some people who can’t take criticism from bothering to read the whole thing. But hey, if you read the whole thing and decide you don’t agree with me, bring on the hate mail. I’ll never turn down a good laugh.

I suppose at this point, it wouldn’t be too obnoxious to call myself a decent photographer, since so many of the people I am about to indirectly personally attack seem to agree with that statement, so here are some things that I see my peers doing that make me ashamed to carry a camera. Please, if you’re reading this, and you realize that you are guilty of some of these things, stop doing them. Save my sanity.

First off, a brief explanation of the difference between a decent photograph and a snapshot. A photograph is interesting to look at, offers a different perspective on something that may otherwise be quite ordinary, and takes time and thought to compose. A snapshot is where you pick up the camera, point it at something, and shoot. Takes three seconds or less. Things that are snapshots: All those pictures teenage girls take of themselves wearing skimpy clothing and making retarded faces, those equally retarded pictures of teenage girls in skimpy bikinis jumping in front of the ocean, and pretty much any other picture taken at the spur of the moment without much thought involved. This also includes those instances where uneducated people see a cool-looking flower and snap a quick picture of it to edit and put in their “photography” album later. Which brings me to my next point…

Just because it’s in black and white, doesn’t mean it’s art. Any idiot can take a picture of a flower, or a park bench, or a soda can, make it black and white, and put it in their “photography” album. Big freaking crap. It may still be the most boring picture ever taken. Yet, for some reason that I may never understand, within five minutes of being uploaded, such pictures will have tons of comments from equally stupid people about how “cool” or “pretty” the picture is. Really? Get a life.

And while we’re on the topic of editing pictures to make them “cooler”, here are some major things that people should avoid when they are “picnik”ing their pictures. (Which shouldn’t be done in excess anyway, but it seems to be the new craze.)

• Purposely blowing out highlights. This is just infuriating. People take perfectly good pictures of themselves and then kick up the contrast so high that the majority of their features are lost in a big cloud of blinding whiteness. Basically, all you are left with is a big ugly white blob with a suggestion of a face. How is this attractive? Unless you’re ugly, I guess, and the only way you can make yourself look decent is to totally obliterate 95% of your features…
• Screwing around with colors too much. Admittedly, a little bit of altering the colors or converting the picture of B&W or sepia (when appropriate) can be cool. But don’t overdo it. Despite contrary belief, taking a picture of a beach with white sand and messing with the colors so the sand looks fluorescent yellow and the ocean is more or less the color of antifreeze is just retarded looking… not cool. It’s even worse if there are people in the picture. Yeah, we’re not fooled. We know you only did that with the colors so you’d look tanner. FYI, the more you do that, the more it brings out tan lines and blemishes, too.
• Hand-in-hand with both of those goes abusing the contrast tool. Like I said, making all the colors seem unrealistically bold (and usually tacky and disgustingly bright) does not make anyone respect you as a “photographer”, nor does it make the subject(s) of your photo more attractive. The contrast tool is great in moderation, as it can make up for some degree of bad lighting, exposure, etc. But don’t get crazy with it.
• Anything else that crosses the fine line between improving the picture quality and just making it look tacky. Now that you’ve read through this, hopefully you have an idea of what these things might be.
• Wait, one last thing… Adding text or those goofy little clipart pictures. It’s really not cool to take a picture, yuck it up in the ways described above, and then add another level of failure by covering up half the image with “BFFS FOREVER”, “Best friendssssss”, “ily[InsertNameHere]

Now, let’s back up. Here are some things to avoid when taking the initial picture, so at least the picture you’re yucking up on picnik was decent to start with.

• Flash. Like seriously, as a default, leave your flash off. When used indoors, all it does is create weird reflections and make the colors in the picture look distorted, cold, and fake. And just don’t even try to take pictures in pitch darkness with flash. That’s just a stupid idea, and it makes the people in the picture look like drunk zombies. I can probably count the number of times I’ve used flash on one hand, and I don’t think any of them actually turned out good pictures. Point made?
• Those godawful overrated mirror shots. Okay, I will admit, I’ve been guilty of this one. However, I only resort to this in moments of true emergency, where I feel the need to take a quick snapshot of something and don’t have someone else to hold the camera/a tripod and therefore can’t get everything into the picture by holding the camera above my head (which is also a no-no; see my next point). But seriously, avoid these as much as possible. They’re just tacky and overrated. And even worse, do not ever use flash when taking a tacky mirror picture. This just makes the picture even darker and uglier, and it also illuminates all the dust, spit droplets, bits of toothpaste, etc., that are stuck to your mirror. Um, ew.
• Self-shots: the compact/cell phone camera above the head. Again, I’ve been guilty of these too, but that was back when I was young and stupid. This method is also occasionally useful when you’re taking a picture of yourself with a small group of people and don’t have another option. But anyway, please, if you must do this, at least wear clothes. As much as I’m sure your guy friends appreciate the nice view down your shirt, your female friends think it’s trashy. It’s also kinda dumb to take a picture when you don’t have any idea what it’s going to look like, though I suppose this isn’t really a problem with digital cameras.
• That icky yellow cast to almost every picture you’ve taken indoors. Okay kids, time for a lesson in white balance. Yeah, I imagine most of the teenage population is not even aware that this exists, so I shall inform you now. Somewhere in your camera menu, there’s a WB menu where you can choose things like “cloudy”, “fluorescent” “incandescent/tungsten”, etc. You change the WB according to what kind of light you’re in. Takes like three seconds even on an non-SLR, and bam, no more icky yellowness. It’s that easy.
• Overrated “photoshoots”. ‘Kay guys, the whole idea of taking pictures of yourself/your friends laying on your stomach in a road in the middle of nowhere, sitting on railroad tracks, or jumping in front of Pensacola Beach is way overrated now. Be original. Bam. Instantly more interesting.

Okay, now that you’re all preparing weapons to kill me with, let me just wrap this up with a few words of wisdom to keep in mind next time you find yourself holding a camera.

• A true photographer only shows their best work. Don’t go out and take 500 pictures and dump them all under “photography”. Even if you have some talent, there is no way all 500 of those are good. Go through and weed out only the best ones, and upload those. I tend to get 200+ pictures out of one good trip, and sometimes end up uploading fewer than 10, but the ones I upload are pretty dang good.
• There’s nothing wrong with a simple composition. Just, don’t overcomplicate things. Photography is an art, not a science.
• A shot that is boring right out of the camera will always be boring. No amount of editing, cropping, or HDR is going to save a picture that was boring to start with. This includes making the picture black and white. It’s still not interesting, just now it’s boringness in monochrome.
• The best pictures look good in thumbnails. If it’s boring in thumbnail form, the full size version isn’t interesting either. Always.

Well, that’s it for now. If you are a die-hard believer in tacky mirror pictures with flash or any of the other horrible things I have described above, speak now or forever hold your peace. Feel free to facebook message me. Heck, cuss me out in person if you want to. It’s not gonna change my mind, but I suppose I can’t stop you from making an even bigger fool of yourself in public. And if you agree with me, please comment or something, so I know I’m not alone here. Thank you, and have a nice day.