Do You Have a License to Carry That Camera?

(Original post: June 4, 2010)

Due to an unusually low level of interest in working on my 80-question history review, I figured I’d kill a few minutes by posting this rant that I have been contemplating putting into writing for quite some time. My goal for posting this is not to belittle or make fun of anyone (too much) or try to make myself sound “smart”, but rather to get the majority of the teenage population to stop making themselves look like idiots without even realizing it. Yes, this will probably be offensive to some. However, I have made sure to use lots of big words in an effort to deter some people who can’t take criticism from bothering to read the whole thing. But hey, if you read the whole thing and decide you don’t agree with me, bring on the hate mail. I’ll never turn down a good laugh.

I suppose at this point, it wouldn’t be too obnoxious to call myself a decent photographer, since so many of the people I am about to indirectly personally attack seem to agree with that statement, so here are some things that I see my peers doing that make me ashamed to carry a camera. Please, if you’re reading this, and you realize that you are guilty of some of these things, stop doing them. Save my sanity.

First off, a brief explanation of the difference between a decent photograph and a snapshot. A photograph is interesting to look at, offers a different perspective on something that may otherwise be quite ordinary, and takes time and thought to compose. A snapshot is where you pick up the camera, point it at something, and shoot. Takes three seconds or less. Things that are snapshots: All those pictures teenage girls take of themselves wearing skimpy clothing and making retarded faces, those equally retarded pictures of teenage girls in skimpy bikinis jumping in front of the ocean, and pretty much any other picture taken at the spur of the moment without much thought involved. This also includes those instances where uneducated people see a cool-looking flower and snap a quick picture of it to edit and put in their “photography” album later. Which brings me to my next point…

Just because it’s in black and white, doesn’t mean it’s art. Any idiot can take a picture of a flower, or a park bench, or a soda can, make it black and white, and put it in their “photography” album. Big freaking crap. It may still be the most boring picture ever taken. Yet, for some reason that I may never understand, within five minutes of being uploaded, such pictures will have tons of comments from equally stupid people about how “cool” or “pretty” the picture is. Really? Get a life.

And while we’re on the topic of editing pictures to make them “cooler”, here are some major things that people should avoid when they are “picnik”ing their pictures. (Which shouldn’t be done in excess anyway, but it seems to be the new craze.)

• Purposely blowing out highlights. This is just infuriating. People take perfectly good pictures of themselves and then kick up the contrast so high that the majority of their features are lost in a big cloud of blinding whiteness. Basically, all you are left with is a big ugly white blob with a suggestion of a face. How is this attractive? Unless you’re ugly, I guess, and the only way you can make yourself look decent is to totally obliterate 95% of your features…
• Screwing around with colors too much. Admittedly, a little bit of altering the colors or converting the picture of B&W or sepia (when appropriate) can be cool. But don’t overdo it. Despite contrary belief, taking a picture of a beach with white sand and messing with the colors so the sand looks fluorescent yellow and the ocean is more or less the color of antifreeze is just retarded looking… not cool. It’s even worse if there are people in the picture. Yeah, we’re not fooled. We know you only did that with the colors so you’d look tanner. FYI, the more you do that, the more it brings out tan lines and blemishes, too.
• Hand-in-hand with both of those goes abusing the contrast tool. Like I said, making all the colors seem unrealistically bold (and usually tacky and disgustingly bright) does not make anyone respect you as a “photographer”, nor does it make the subject(s) of your photo more attractive. The contrast tool is great in moderation, as it can make up for some degree of bad lighting, exposure, etc. But don’t get crazy with it.
• Anything else that crosses the fine line between improving the picture quality and just making it look tacky. Now that you’ve read through this, hopefully you have an idea of what these things might be.
• Wait, one last thing… Adding text or those goofy little clipart pictures. It’s really not cool to take a picture, yuck it up in the ways described above, and then add another level of failure by covering up half the image with “BFFS FOREVER”, “Best friendssssss”, “ily[InsertNameHere]

Now, let’s back up. Here are some things to avoid when taking the initial picture, so at least the picture you’re yucking up on picnik was decent to start with.

• Flash. Like seriously, as a default, leave your flash off. When used indoors, all it does is create weird reflections and make the colors in the picture look distorted, cold, and fake. And just don’t even try to take pictures in pitch darkness with flash. That’s just a stupid idea, and it makes the people in the picture look like drunk zombies. I can probably count the number of times I’ve used flash on one hand, and I don’t think any of them actually turned out good pictures. Point made?
• Those godawful overrated mirror shots. Okay, I will admit, I’ve been guilty of this one. However, I only resort to this in moments of true emergency, where I feel the need to take a quick snapshot of something and don’t have someone else to hold the camera/a tripod and therefore can’t get everything into the picture by holding the camera above my head (which is also a no-no; see my next point). But seriously, avoid these as much as possible. They’re just tacky and overrated. And even worse, do not ever use flash when taking a tacky mirror picture. This just makes the picture even darker and uglier, and it also illuminates all the dust, spit droplets, bits of toothpaste, etc., that are stuck to your mirror. Um, ew.
• Self-shots: the compact/cell phone camera above the head. Again, I’ve been guilty of these too, but that was back when I was young and stupid. This method is also occasionally useful when you’re taking a picture of yourself with a small group of people and don’t have another option. But anyway, please, if you must do this, at least wear clothes. As much as I’m sure your guy friends appreciate the nice view down your shirt, your female friends think it’s trashy. It’s also kinda dumb to take a picture when you don’t have any idea what it’s going to look like, though I suppose this isn’t really a problem with digital cameras.
• That icky yellow cast to almost every picture you’ve taken indoors. Okay kids, time for a lesson in white balance. Yeah, I imagine most of the teenage population is not even aware that this exists, so I shall inform you now. Somewhere in your camera menu, there’s a WB menu where you can choose things like “cloudy”, “fluorescent” “incandescent/tungsten”, etc. You change the WB according to what kind of light you’re in. Takes like three seconds even on an non-SLR, and bam, no more icky yellowness. It’s that easy.
• Overrated “photoshoots”. ‘Kay guys, the whole idea of taking pictures of yourself/your friends laying on your stomach in a road in the middle of nowhere, sitting on railroad tracks, or jumping in front of Pensacola Beach is way overrated now. Be original. Bam. Instantly more interesting.

Okay, now that you’re all preparing weapons to kill me with, let me just wrap this up with a few words of wisdom to keep in mind next time you find yourself holding a camera.

• A true photographer only shows their best work. Don’t go out and take 500 pictures and dump them all under “photography”. Even if you have some talent, there is no way all 500 of those are good. Go through and weed out only the best ones, and upload those. I tend to get 200+ pictures out of one good trip, and sometimes end up uploading fewer than 10, but the ones I upload are pretty dang good.
• There’s nothing wrong with a simple composition. Just, don’t overcomplicate things. Photography is an art, not a science.
• A shot that is boring right out of the camera will always be boring. No amount of editing, cropping, or HDR is going to save a picture that was boring to start with. This includes making the picture black and white. It’s still not interesting, just now it’s boringness in monochrome.
• The best pictures look good in thumbnails. If it’s boring in thumbnail form, the full size version isn’t interesting either. Always.

Well, that’s it for now. If you are a die-hard believer in tacky mirror pictures with flash or any of the other horrible things I have described above, speak now or forever hold your peace. Feel free to facebook message me. Heck, cuss me out in person if you want to. It’s not gonna change my mind, but I suppose I can’t stop you from making an even bigger fool of yourself in public. And if you agree with me, please comment or something, so I know I’m not alone here. Thank you, and have a nice day.