The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Formspring

(Original post: June 15, 2010)

The concept of formspring is an interesting one. It was originally created as a way for people to ask questions and answer them, which is harmless enough. However, the creators obviously didn’t realize that it would become such a popular way to anonymously bash people and, on the flip side, make your peers lose all respect for you. Please have some sense, people.

When I’m bored, one of my favorite things to do is read other peoples’ formsprings. And to anyone who thinks that makes me a stalker, let’s look at this for a moment: It’s the internet. Everything you post on it is public. If you choose to talk about your sex life, trash talk your supposed best friend, or spill someone’s deep dark secret, and you don’t want me to read it, don’t post it on formspring. Really, I only enjoy this because, as you may have already figured out, stupid people amuse me. However, enough is enough. Now reading those things is starting to make me ashamed to breathe the same air as those losers.

So, instead of worrying about this issue quietly, I’m going to publicly rant about it and attempt to give the uneducated public a clue. Please listen closely, and remember, hate mail is welcomed and expected, but the only person you’re making look stupid is yourself. Please direct any outrage at my inbox, because I deleted my formspring.

First off, there are some questions that you should just not answer. (Actually, seeing as the problem crowd for this is mostly between the ages of 12 and 16, you shouldn’t be able to answer them, but society is screwed up nowadays…) Some things just need to be kept to yourself, and aren’t anyone else’s business. You are not obligated to answer every single question you get. And please don’t… quite honestly, we never needed to know some of this stuff about you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or your best friend asked you; we don’t know that and it’s still disturbing or obnoxious and a bad reflection on you. Before you answer something, make sure it doesn’t fall into any of the categories below. If it does, that’s what the delete button is for.

• Anything about your love life, sex life, etc. When someone asks “How many guys have you banged?” “*fourrrrrr” is not an acceptable answer. Your personal life is “personal” for a reason. We don’t want to know.)
• Anything about someone else’s love life, sex life, etc. If you don’t like it when people publicly trash you all over their formspring, then don’t do it to them on yours. It’s immature, obnoxious, and will not win you very many friends. Don’t even defend the other person… just delete the question and leave the issue be. If people did this, there would be a dramatic decrease in hate wars and chick fights, which I’m sure would be a relief to everyone.
• Anything that you would not be comfortable telling your grandmother. If someone asks what kind of underwear you’re wearing, you are not required to answer it, and quite frankly, most of your friends would’ve preferred never to know that about you. And if you have a grandmother that talks to you about that kind of stuff, then imagine it’s someone else’s grandmother. Or a nun. You get the idea.

Keep in mind that, believe it or not, people do judge you by what’s on your formspring. If someone asks a personal question and you answer it with something vague or joking, other people that see that will always wonder. If you don’t want people to wonder if you’re slut, don’t answer “Are you a virgin?” with “who wants to knowwwww? ;);)”

Speaking of the way you answer stuff, I’m about to make you question everything you previously believed about life. You will never be quite the same after you hear this. Ready? Okay, guess what? Using lots of extra letters, punctuation, smiley faces, and those retarded looking heart things does not make your point any clearer. They make you look like a preppy, retarded attention whore. I know some people double a letter or two just because that’s how they type, but few people stop there. When the word “me” takes up half the screen, you need to get a life.

And another thing… swearing doesn’t help get your point across either. It’s absolutely disgusting to see 12 or 13 year olds answering every question with a swear word every other word. And what’s up with calling everyone a skank(kkkkkkkkk) or a hoe(eeeeee)? Do people think that’s a sign of affection these days? I don’t care if it’s coming from my best friend… I think it’s obnoxious and rude. A decent friend would find something nicer to call you.

Now, another important point. Formspring is not an adequate substitute for face-to-face human interaction. It’s bad enough to ask someone out via text message, but don’t do it via formspring. Especially if you plan to do it anonymously. Like, exactly what have you accomplished by that? And don’t stalk people. It’s just disrespectful… it suggests that the object of your deranged affection isn’t important enough to you to be complimented in person. And if your identity is ever revealed, you’re going to look pretty dang stupid. And I’ll laugh, along with the rest of the world.

One last thing. Remember, formspring is public. Creepers are attracted to people that type like pathetic attention whores and post pictures of themselves in string bikinis… especially if they’re like 12… so don’t put your phone number on your formspring. Just don’t. Idiots.

Well, I hope this round of hate-mail bait does some good… if not, I had fun writing it, at least. You don’t really realize how bad the problem is until you have six or seven of these formsprings up to give you inspiration to write.

Children, use your newfound knowledge wisely, and think twice before you answer (or ask) a formspring question that is better off left unsaid. Be mature, people. You’re not five years old… deal with your problems in person, please. Or, better yet, just keep your mouth shut. Grow up. Thank you, and have a nice day.