The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Facebook and Relationships

(Original post: February 20, 2011)

Originally, this was going to be an actual rant, since I didn’t get a chance to publish my opinion of Valentine’s Day and I seriously need to write something. However, as I got to thinking, I decided to try a different way of getting my point across. I originally tried to write out a high school relationship probability of longevity algorithm (it’s official; I watch too much Big Bang Theory), but I realized that people do so many dumb things that it was impossible to fit them all in one flowchart with a common end. Instead, I decided to redirect and focus on the idea of relationships and facebook… which I believe shouldn’t mix nearly as much as they do. So, without further ado, behold, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Facebook and Relationships.

Disclaimer: As always, I am not targeting any specific person in my writing this, and I am not asserting that I am a complete authority on this subject. My only implication is that, from my personal experiences and things I have seen other people do, I can assume that most of what I am saying is true in most cases. Hate mail can be directed to me via a message, so other people don’t have to sift through our potentially hostile correspondence. Thank you.

 

Chapter One: Making it Facebook Official

You’ve just started dating someone new and have decided that it is time to let the whole world into your business by announcing this (hopefully good) news on facebook. This can be done gracefully, or you can make a giant idiot of yourself. For those who may not be smart enough to figure this out for yourselves, here is a step-by-step breakdown of the process.

1. Make sure your new boyfriend or girlfriend is okay with this. You may be dating someone who still realizes that broadcasting everything over facebook isn’t what a relationship is about. If this is the case, you should use the communication skills that you hopefully still know how to use to come to a compromise.
2. If both parties agree, don’t freak out about who’s going to start it. Someone just needs to man (or woman) up edit their profile and change their relationship status to “in a relationship”, with the name of the other person, if they too have a facebook, and wait for the other person to accept the relationship request.
3. Don’t do anything else. Don’t post a mushy status about how much you “love” this person that you’ve been dating for roughly 24 hours. Don’t respond to comments on the changed relationship status. If someone posts an immature comment, delete it instead of participating in a flame war. Now that your relationship status is changed, that’s that. It won’t change again until you break up. Don’t make a big deal about it.

 

Chapter Two: Showing Affection via Facebook

For the love of God (or whoever), please just don’t do this. The point of a relationship is to… relate to/with each other. In person. Like, with actual face-to-face communication. Anything you could post on your significant other’s facebook wall would be much more meaningful (and less annoying to the rest of us) if you said it in person. Believe it or not, the other 99.9% of your friend list that isn’t the person you’re dating really doesn’t want to see their news feeds flooded with (most likely) premature proclamations of love. They don’t want to hear about your boyfriend’s sexy facial hair or how cute your girlfriend looked in her new dress today. Save that for some private form of communication, please.

This isn’t to say that you should pretend they don’t exist when you’re on facebook. Posting that you had a good time doing something with your boyfriend or girlfriend (provided the activity you participated in was rated G) is completely acceptable every once in a while, as long as you don’t go overboard with the hearts and smiley faces and cutesy song lyrics and “I love you”s. And please, don’t inform us of every time they smile, say something cute, or make out with you. We really don’t want to know, and hopefully they would have the good sense to be embarrassed, not flattered.

Also, if you refer to them by a pet name every once in a while (though you should avoid doing this, because everyone else finds it slightly nauseating), please spell it correctly. We don’t want to hear about your honey, baby, or sweetie, but we really don’t want to hear about your hunny, babie, or sweety.

You can definitely use facebook chat or messages as a way to communicate with your boyfriend or girlfriend, just don’t flood everyone with wall posts. As long as nobody else has to see it, you’re good. Your relationship is supposed to be your business, and your relationship will last longer if you keep it that way.

 

Chapter Three: Should I post that picture?

If you are making out in it, no. Period. End of story. Nobody wants to see that.

If you’ve been dating for a while, we can logically assume that you’ve probably kissed before. Please don’t show us. It looks trashy, and I can’t help but wonder why people who post pictures like this are wasting their time posing for kissing pictures when they could be kissing for real, or doing something else besides making idiots out of themselves. Also, we can logically assume that the person of the opposite sex that you’re with in your profile picture is your boyfriend or girlfriend. No need to be making out or feeling each other up to prove it to us.

You’re also going to feel really stupid when you break up at some point (as the statistics say you probably will) and have to go back through all those pictures. Maybe if you’d been focusing on having a relationship instead of trying to prove to the rest of the world that you have one, you’d still be together.

You can post appropriate pictures of/with your significant other, of course. A picture of the two of you at the beach or simply sitting on a bench together is a lot cuter and more socially acceptable than a picture of the two of you licking each others’ tonsils. Just try to be classy in your choice of photo and you’ll be sharing memories that you want to remember, not ones that you’ll eventually be ashamed of yourself for posting.

General rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t do it in front of a five-year-old, don’t take a picture of it.

 

Chapter Four: Publicizing Your Relationship Problems

Don’t do this either. If you want to talk to a couple of your friends about what’s going on to look for advice, then do that. However, you should go to them directly, instead of posting a general announcement that you and so-and-so are having issues.

Since you hopefully read chapter two and haven’t been overloading the internet with mushy wall posts and statuses, the rest of the world probably won’t even realize that you’re having relationship problems unless you break up (see chapter 7). This is how you want it to be. Publicizing your problems only makes you (and the other person) look stupid, potentially makes your disagreement even worse, and doesn’t really gain you any sympathy. In fact, if you make a big enough deal out of it, families like mine will probably start following your soap opera and having conversations over dinner about how pathetic you are.

Also, avoid trying to “subtly” suggest trouble in paradise by posting cryptic statuses and sad song lyrics. We know what you’re up to… we still don’t care, but you’re being really obvious. Not to mention, your choices of sad songs to quote usually suck, but let’s not get into that.

An issue in a relationship is an issue between two people. It may have occurred because of a third party, but that doesn’t mean you and the third party need to have a flame war via facebook. Sit down and talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend in person and work things out. If a compromise or solution can’t be reached, skip ahead and read the chapter on breaking up gracefully. Just don’t drag your whole network of friends, all of whom have their own agendas and opinions, into your personal life. You won’t get the best outcome for your relationship, and you risk sacrificing your reputation.

 

Chapter Five: Dealing with “Suspicious” Correspondence

Seeing as we are part of the facebook generation, it’s likely that your significant other has been posting statuses and pictures on their facebook for quite some time. When the time comes that you are bored one day and sift though your boyfriend/girlfriend’s old pictures and posts and find something about an old relationship, don’t freak out. If the pictures really bother you, ask in a non-confrontational way if the other person could delete them. They likely just forgot about them. However, since humans can’t predict the future, you can’t really get mad at them for having dated other people. It’s not like they knew they’d be in a long-term relationship with you one day and wouldn’t want to keep their pictures with what’s-his-face.

You also can’t expect the other person to stop communicating with friends. If a friend of the opposite sex posts something that sounds suspicious on your boyfriend/girlfriend’s profile, don’t panic. Don’t message them or comment on the post with a death threat. The best course would be to ignore it, unless it happens repeatedly, in which case you may need to talk to your significant other to see what they think. Since text communication doesn’t come with body language or audible clues as to the meaning of what they said, the posts are most likely harmless. If they aren’t, let the other person deal with their friend, but you should stay out of it. As hilarious as 100+ comment flame wars are, they do get annoying, and they’re not helping your relationship at all.

If someone is sending public or private posts to your boyfriend or girlfriend that are blatantly inappropriate or hateful, it’s still not okay to send death threats or beat the person up at school. Use the block button where it is necessary, and report the harassment to facebook and/or a parent or other adult. It sounds stupid, but it really is the best way to deal with the situation.

 

Chapter Six: A Real Relationship

An honest, caring, and hopefully long-lasting relationship does not take place exclusively on facebook, or through any other form of electronic communication. Take the time to actually see this person in real life outside of school. Don’t say anything to your significant other via facebook chat that you couldn’t tell them in person with a straight face.

I would like to think that this would be obvious, but from what I can see of posts from my acquaintances, maybe not.

 

Chapter 7: Bringing Your Relationship to a Graceful End

Despite your genuine feelings for each other and all the time you spent getting to know each other in person and leaving the facebook community out of your business, something has still gone irreversibly wrong. Perhaps it’s a mutual thing, or perhaps you’ve been horribly betrayed. Regardless, this is a very sad and emotional occasion, but since you took the time to announce your new relationship on facebook however long ago, now you must reverse the process. Be careful to ensure that you do this gracefully and avoid creating any unnecessary drama that will just make you more upset.

1. Go and change your relationship status, assuming your ex hasn’t already done this (or facebook dumped you, which is completely unacceptable in any circumstances, by the way).
2. If the circumstances of the end of your relationship were bad enough, you may wish to delete your ex. This is fine, as long as you don’t make a huge production out of it.
3. You may choose to delete the notice on your profile that you are now single, to avoid the impending onslaught of attempts at sympathy/getting details. Or, you may not. That’s a personal choice, but be aware that by leaving it up, you’re risking a flame war.
4. Get off the computer. People might send you messages of sympathy, but you don’t need to read those right away. Go do something that makes you happy, or set pictures of that selfish jerk on fire. Whatever hopefully improves your mood.
5. After an hour or so, it’s old news. Delete any obnoxious posts on your relationship status and avoid making any yourself. That should be the end of it.
6. Get on with your life. You’re upset now, but you’re still young. This isn’t the end of the world, and you can get through this. Without involving everyone else on facebook, of course. Avoid slandering your ex or threatening suicide/eternal misery anywhere that everyone else can see it. They’re not worth it, and no, you did not develop clinical depression that quickly. It’s going to be okay.

Well, there you have it. I think my urge to rant has been sufficiently satisfied, and maybe reading this will actually make a difference to someone who is guilty of some of the above offenses. We can only hope.

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