Public Displays of Idiocy

(Original post: April 27, 2011)

I have a question. The answer to this question, assuming that a logical one even exists, will clear up many of my concerns about the state of today’s youth. As much as I would like for this question to be unanswerable, I realize there probably is an answer… I just won’t like it.

The question is this: How on Earth do people find public displays of affection, particularly at school, to be at all appropriate, normal, or — to put it bluntly — enjoyable? What is it that brings people to feel that it is socially acceptable to walk around with their hands all over and/or in their boyfriend or girlfriend’s pants while making out like it’s going out of style? I really and truly have no idea.

If you’ve just realized with a sinking feeling in your chest that I’m probably about to make fun of you, please take a moment to read the following disclaimer:

I realize that all people have a God (or whoever)-given right to do (almost) whatever they want to in public, as long as it’s not illegal (meaning they’re not naked or otherwise going above and beyond the usual definition of “inappropriate”) and they’re not in school (theoretically… it appears to me that the code of conduct is just a rumor). By writing this, I am in no way denying you this right. I am simply pointing out that, like many other God-given rights such as the right to scribble expletives all over your face with permanent marker or the right to tell your girlfriend how ugly she is while she’s holding a steak knife, this is one right that may be best not exercised.

That said, I really would like an answer to that question. Perhaps there’s something I’m missing here. Maybe one day, I will completely abandon every shred of dignity and self-respect and I, too, can experience that wonderful feeling of having someone lick my tonsils and grope my butt while my peers stare on in horror.

… Er, nevermind. I think I’ll pass.

Seriously. If you know you do that and would like me and your other like-minded peers to have any respect for you whatsoever, please stop doing that. You’re more than welcome to do these behaviors at home or somewhere else where innocent people don’t have to see you (though your parents may not agree — I wonder what they’d say if they found out how some of you people act), but please, for the love of God, stop getting it on in public places. I’m sure, assuming you have any feelings for each other and engage in such activities for reasons other than to prove to everyone that you can “get some”, those activities would be much more enjoyable without an audience. Try it sometime.

For those who may not be smart enough to figure out what about their behavior is offensive, I have included an outline of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors below. Take good notes.

 

Appropriate

Hand-holding. It’s harmless, cute, and generally doesn’t make other people gag when they see you doing it. Small children can do it, and you could do it in front of a small child without being berated by their parents. Hand-holding, in fact, is one of the most acceptable forms of PDA, along with hugging (see below). It’s even allowed in the school code of conduct (which, if enforced, would have had a lot of you expelled by now for going well beyond hand-holding). You can also vary the traditional idea of hand-holding by putting your arm around your significant other’s shoulders or waist (waist, not butt). Personally, I think that looks extremely uncomfortable and possessive, especially when people are trying to walk like that, but whatever floats your boat.

However, there are circumstances in which hand-holding is not so appropriate… in particular, when you and your boyfriend or girlfriend are trying to keep your hands/arms connected while walking through a huge crowd of people. Hand-holding is not so enjoyable that you really need to do it that badly. The world will not end if someone breaks you apart momentarily to get to their class on time. Trust me. It’s all going to be okay.

Inappropriate

That walking-with-your-hands-in-each-others’-back-pockets thing. Just don’t do that. You look dumb, and it’s awkward and disturbing. Same goes for any form of walking where one partner (usually the girlfriend) is wrapped around the boyfriend like he’s a stripper pole. Or she’s some kind of monkey. Save that for the somewhere-where-I’m-not, please.

A side note on that… do you have to practice to be able to do that? As annoying as it is to see you do it, I do have to give you some credit for having coordinated a walking pattern that works. My boyfriend and I have tried, with little success, to imitate you, and usually fall down after a couple of steps. Guess we’re too uncoordinated to act like horndogs in public. Darn.

 

Appropriate

Hugging. When it only involves two people wrapping their arms around each other somewhere above the butt and embracing, it’s perfectly appropriate. In most cases, a quick kiss is even fine. I don’t really care, and neither does anyone else, for the most part. Hug away.

Inappropriate

Making out and/or using hugging to disguise other activities. Seriously. When I see people do that, I automatically lose all respect for them, and they usually don’t gain it back. If you want me to take you seriously, especially as someone who’s supposedly an appointed authority figure that I’m supposed to look up to, keep all that in the bedroom. Respect is earned, not given, and I have a harder time respecting you when all I can think about when I look at you is how you’re always groping your boyfriend or girlfriend in class. Way to set an example.

That’s also really gross. You get God-knows-what all over your hands, open a door, I go to open the same door and touch the doorknob… just, ew. Keep your fluids to yourself.

 

If you must participate in any kind of PDA, there are certain times and places to do it. As far as school is concerned, stick to before and after school and between classes for your hugging and hand-holding activities. Unacceptable times and places include during class (don’t get frumpy with the teacher when learning activities interrupt your love session. You shouldn’t be doing that anyway), leaning on your car in the parking lot (while other people are trying to get in their cars and get out of there without running you over), or pretty much anywhere else. Do it at home.

Also, don’t get it on at band camp. While I do have to admire your courage and devotion to each other (?) to sit in each others’ laps at water break despite the fact that you’re both sweating like animals, covered with grime, and stink to high heavens in 100-degree weather, knock it off already. That’s just gross.

Why must you PDA all over the school anyway? The way I see it, there are two possibilities, and if you fall into either of these groups, you need serious help.

• You’re trying to get attention. This includes everything from trying to make exes jealous to just trying to prove to your friends that you’re sexually active, in case they didn’t believe you. Well congrats, we believe you. We’re just not impressed. Rather disgusted, actually.
• You don’t want your parents/guardians to know you’re sexually active. This is a legitimate concern, of course. The obvious solution here would be not to be sexually active, but if you insist on risking your whole future, here’s a thought. Would you rather get caught at home by your parents, or be caught by someone at the school, resulting in your parents being notified and you being publicly humiliated and perceived as a -insert derogatory nickname here- for the rest of your high school career? Up to you, but if it was me ruining my life, I’d go with option number one. Option number one gives you a better chance of not getting caught and also allows you to keep more friends. Just a thought.

In conclusion, I know your relationship is your business. My only goal here is for you to keep it just that — your business. If you really care about each other, you should know that a good relationship isn’t all about what other people see you do, and the less you do/they see, the better. If you realize you’ve been going a little overboard, just cut back some. The (relatively) innocent eyes of your peers thank you, as they will no longer be burned with mental images that nobody wants to see.

And if you insist on totally ignoring me, go ahead and embarrass yourself on facebook and declare premature love while you’re at it. Have a nice fling.

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