Girls: What Your Boyfriend is Not

Yes, I just went there. I feel that somehow, this goes hand-in-hand with some of my earlier rants about teenagers and their pathetic relationships. It really bugs me to see girls treat their boyfriends like crap, so this serves a dual purpose: pointing out to crappy girlfriends that they suck, and hopefully giving their boyfriends a clue that they don’t have to take their crap.

I am in no way presenting myself as the world’s best girlfriend. I’m definitely not the worst, but I do my fair share of whining and royally embarrassing my boyfriend in public. However, I can proudly say that I have never intentionally done any of the things that I’m about to make fun of. Don’t you dare call me a hypocrite.

So, without further ado, things your boyfriend is not.

Your Pack Mule

I think we’ve progressed socially past that era where a guy carrying your books was the first sign of true love. And I get that it’s still cute. But give the poor guy a break… he has places to go and no matter how cute your purse is, he doesn’t want to carry it everywhere. Sure, it wouldn’t kill him to help you carry your stuff every now and then, like when you actually have more stuff than you can carry, but don’t be that girl who walks to class empty-handed while their boyfriend follows along with two backpacks, a lunchbox (yours), an umbrella (yours), a rolled poster board (yours), a textbook (yours), and a purse (yours). Which brings me to my next point…

Your Personal Escort

Believe it or not, he also has only 4 minutes to get to his next class, and while it’s sweet that you’ve nagged him into walking all the way across campus with you to kiss you goodbye in front of your third block classroom (which, by the way, is a violation of the school code of conduct and it freaks me out), he doesn’t have to be late every day. You’re perfectly capable (I hope) of getting to your next class without getting lost. If you can’t accept that he has places to go that are just as important as yours, you need to get your priorities straight. Yes, you > going to class, but you < avoiding detention.

Your Personal Slave/Maid/Servant

Stop making your boyfriend get and do everything for you. Seriously. A relationship is a mutual thing that involves effort from both sides and compromise for just about everything. Don’t make him get the food, drinks, movie, DVD player, and blanket while you sit on the couch and chill. Don’t stand there at band practice and let him fight the crowds to get you all the chips while you twiddle your thumbs. Whenever possible, split the work. It gets everything done faster and makes him feel less like he’s being used.

Your Personal Sex Slave

… Unless, of course, you’re into that kind of stuff.

Use protection, kids.

A Jungle Gym/Pillow/Mattress/Pony

If he’s a decent guy, I promise, he’s not going to cheat on you if you let go of him for three seconds. You do not need to climb on his back, sit on him, hang on his waist/neck/ankles, hold both his hands, drag him along everywhere, demand piggyback rides, lay on him, lean on his shoulder at every possible moment, or just otherwise climb all over him all the time to keep him from cheating on you. There are moments where that’s acceptable, but it’s usually a mutual thing (and should also be done at home or very briefly if in public). When you do it all the time, that’s called being clingy (literally), and guys hate that. But don’t worry, if you do it, he definitely won’t cheat on you. He’ll just dump you.

Your Bodyguard

I know girls think the most romantic thing a guy could do for them is punch someone’s lights out, but honestly, if your boyfriend actually does that on a regular basis (threatening is acceptable), you need a new boyfriend. Decent boyfriends may threaten to because they do care about you and don’t like sleazy guys hitting on you or mean girls making fun of you, but they won’t actually do it because they look like jerks, and they can get in major trouble. Quit asking your boyfriend to beat people up because they looked at you funny.

Side note, it’s also stupid to expect him to catch a grenade, throw his hand on the blade, jump in front of a train, take a bullet straight through his brain, or otherwise die for you. I mean, really. You’re in high school. Get over yourself and listen to some real music. Like this. That is what you should expect from a guy.

A Mind Reader

I’m sure every girl would love a guy who can automatically tell when they want to talk, when they don’t, when they’re happy, when they’re sad, if they’re having girl problems, how they feel about something, what they had for breakfast that morning, and what their favorite flower is just by looking at them. Well, guess what? Such a guy does not exist. Stop whining about it in your statuses, stop telling your boyfriend he sucks for asking if you were okay when you’re “obviously” on your period, and make an effort to actually communicate with him. Otherwise, and I speak from firsthand experience, he thinks you’re on crack. If you’re really not going to be happy until you have a boyfriend that you only have to bother paying attention to when you feel like it and who only exists to make you happy while ignoring his own needs, you should consider investing in artificially intelligent robots. Or you can go with the cheaper option, which is to get the heck over yourself and realize that a relationship is a mutual thing.

Without Feelings

Guys, like girls, do appreciate compliments every now and then, and generally enjoy not being trashed by their girlfriends to their friends. A harmless joke is one thing, but don’t go out of your way to constantly annoy, humiliate, or make fun of him. Don’t tell all your friends about something embarrassing he did unless he knows it’s all in fun. He may not curl up in his fluffy pink sheets at night and text all his friends while crying and eating ice cream, but it is hurtful, and he shouldn’t have to take that crap.

A Fair-Weather Companion

If you’re really serious about this guy, you won’t just hang out with him when he’s happy and feels great and ignore him when he’s crabby. You’ll try to cheer him up, take care of him, etcetera, because you expect him to do the same for you, don’t you? Every girl probably likes the idea of having a boyfriend who loves them so much that they’ll hold their hair while they’re puking in the middle of the night, right? Well, newsflash: If you expect him to do that for you, you’d better be ready to do it for him. That’s right. You might have to take care of him when he’s sick, too. Can’t handle it? Don’t expect a long-term commitment from a guy. Ever. When you hypothetically get married and live in your 5-story mansion (paid for by him, of course), and he’s puking in the middle of the night, there will be nobody there to help him but you.

Secretly Dating All His Female Friends

Get over it. Your boyfriend probably had a few female friends before you started dating him, and you can’t expect him to ditch them. Even if they’re exes, if their relationship ended ages ago, you probably have nothing to worry about. Heck, even if they’re obviously interested in him, there’s no problem as long as he doesn’t return their affections. If that bothers you, calmly talk about it with him sometime, perhaps. However, if you ultimately can’t tolerate him having a few female friends, you have some major insecurity issues. If he’s a good guy, he’s only interested in you, and you need to quit freaking out. And please, please don’t stoop to annoying him about his male friends. If he’s dating you, he’s probably not gay. We hope. That said…

Completely Immune to Temptation

He’s a guy. He might occasionally notice a hot girl. As long as he doesn’t ask for her number, accidentally call you by her name while you’re having a moment, or drop dead from testosterone overload on sight, you probably have nothing to worry about. Unless you suddenly see her hanging around a lot more after the initial meeting, she’s probably been forgotten about already. So next time you’re walking through the mall and he looks at another girl for three seconds, don’t kill him. He can’t help it. (He might also get what he deserves and will find out later that she’s a transvestite. You never know.)

Blind

While you’re so busy making sure he isn’t cheating on you, don’t be cheating on him. Most guys aren’t completely stupid and/or in denial, and will quickly pick up on the fact that you flirt with just about everyone but him, climb all over other guys, and have a larger-than-normal group of “casual guy friends” that you spend more time with than you spend with him. He probably feels like a loser watching you do all this, and if he doesn’t dump you pretty quickly, it’s probably because he actually cares about you (poor guy) and thinks there’s still hope. If you don’t want him to cheat on you, realize that you can’t cheat on him either. He’s not as stupid as you clearly think he is.

A Gossip Columnist

His level of “give a crap” about most things that you find interesting about your classmates’ love lives is usually through the floor. In the interest of compromise, most guys will stand listening to gossip for short periods of time, and may even act semi-interested, but if that’s really all you talk about, he probably hates you, and should’ve dumped you by now. Gossip is what you have girl friends for. Also, don’t gossip about or badmouth his friends unless he does it first, and even then, don’t overdo it.

A Money Tree

At the beginning of a relationship, it’s generally assumed that the guy pays for almost everything. But once you’ve been together for a few months, realize that if you want to keep dating this guy, you’re going to have to start spending some money. You can’t expect him to take you out to dinner two or three times a week at around 20 bucks a meal (unless you eat at WaHo and one of you only gets a grilled cheese sandwich, in which case the meal costs 6-10 bucks). At least pay for dessert or the tip or something. It’s also not unreasonable to expect him to buy you decent presents for holidays, birthdays, and just randomly, but he would appreciate it if you’d return the favor. Honestly, you’re still getting the better end of the deal. What a girl would deem a decent birthday present usually costs a heck of a lot more than what a guy would appreciate. (Unless you order off the internet. Shipping and handling costs more than the actual present, just FYI.) If you can’t be bothered to get him the occasional gift and pay for some food, that’s called using him and/or his parents for his/their money, and it’s usually frowned upon.

A Knight in Shining Armor

Your boyfriend can’t solve all your problems. He can (and should) try to offer advice, but he can’t make the mean girls stop making fun of you. He can’t make your stomach feel better. He can’t bring your dead cat back to life. Expect him to support you, but don’t expect him to move mountains to make your life perfect.

Ready to Marry You in High School

Guys think it’s unbelievably creepy when girls start talking about marriage with any seriousness after like, the first week. It’s a high school relationship, not a lifelong commitment. Chill the heck out, or you really will grow old and die alone. And please, please don’t get “engaged” in high school, especially when you’ve only been dating for a short time. Guys that actually go along with that plan are worse than the girls who suggest it in the first place.

A Girl

Bottom line is, if you want someone to talk to about makeup, fashion, gossip, or Jersey Shore, call a girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t care, and it’s cruel and unusual punishment for you to expect him to.

Guys, if your girlfriend expects you to be any of these things on a regular basis, just take my advice and dump her. Or at least talk to her about it and see if she’ll change, but most girls who treat their boyfriends like crap are also the ones who post whiny statuses, think they’re in love with everyone they date, and think “Love Story” by Taylor Swift is their anthem. (Dear God, I hate Taylor Swift. If you haven’t picked up on that by now.) In other words, it’s probably a lost cause, but I admire you for trying.  And don’t give up all hope… not all girls suck. Just the ones that expect you to be Jesus with no strings attached.

While there are a lot fewer girls who probably suck as girlfriends on my friends list than there are guys who have sucky girlfriends, if you’re one of the few that I do have added, please get a clue, get over yourself, and take this to heart. Do the world (and your poor, abused boyfriend) a favor.

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