Dear Taylor Swift, You Suck

(Original post: October 31, 2010)

Anyone who’s had the experience of being in a car with me when a Taylor Swift song comes on the radio can probably guess where I’m going with this without reading any further. However, seeing as very few people have had the privilege of hearing this rant live, complete with hand motions and extremely over-exaggerated expressions of pain, I figured I’d finally post it on here. I realize that I’m going to fall out of a lot of peoples’ favor with this, because there are many fairly logical people who listen to Taylor Swift, and for that, I apologize. In her defense, there’s much worse music that kids could be listening to these days.

In fact, my issue with Taylor Swift isn’t really that she’s a horrible singer (I mean, she might be, seeing as everyone’s autotuned these days, but I won’t get into that), it’s just that her music is so freaking annoying. All her songs sound the same. They’re all about the same ridiculous things. They’re also not country, despite contrary belief. Just because someone dresses “country”, has a bit of an accent, and claims their music is country doesn’t mean it actually is. Country music also sucks, but Taylor Swift sings what I refer to as “innocent yet idiotic music of questionable musical genre that happens to be sung in a slightly country style”. Seriously.

I get that everyone claims they can relate to her music. Supposedly, every teenager goes through phases of having pathetic crushes on people that they can’t date for one reason or another, being so miserable after the breakup of their two-week relationship that they can’t go on, and fantasizing about Romeo and Juliet. Obviously, I missed the memo, because I don’t do that crap, and I’m also smart enough to realize that Romeo and Juliet died. But okay, 99.9% of the female teenage population can relate to Taylor Swift’s songs. According to various Taylor Swift-loving friends of mine, having music like that to listen to in their times of sadness is very comforting. I’m all for that. Please put the pitchforks down now.

My main question here is, why are Taylor Swift’s insecurity issues yucking up oldies radio? Most people who listen to old music are, believe it or not, old. They don’t want to hear about how Taylor Swift and the rest of the teenage population can’t accept rejection or thinks relationships are like fairy tales. Neither do I. Taylor Swift is also encouraging young girls to turn into drama queens, as I have seen firsthand. There are 8 year olds who think “Teardrops on my Guitar” is the theme song of their life. I think I just figured out why everyone over the age of 6 thinks they’re in love now… nice going, Taylor Swift and anyone else who sings similar music.

Taylor Swift also offers the teenage population another way to stir up drama and get other people into their business just so they can complain about it. They post Taylor Swift lyrics as their status, and everyone goes “OMG, what’s wrong? Are you and so-and-so having relationship issues?!!!”, just so the poster can go “Nooo, I just like the song”, while secretly being glad that people noticed. Meanwhile, so-and-so is like “What?” I mean, seriously, has anyone else noticed this fad, or is it just me? There’s also the girls that post some of the more pathetic ones in hopes that the person they’re thinking about will read their status and somehow realize it’s directed at them. Fail. Please deal with your problems somewhere else, or at the very least, just tell us what your problem is instead of trying to mask your insecurity issues with Taylor Swift. You’re really not that cool.

For everyone’s enjoyment/to inspire more hate mail bait, I’m going to analyze some of Taylor Swift’s most popular songs… the ones that all sound alike and play on old soft rock stations every other song. I might even throw in a couple more that I think are particularly funny, if I feel like it. If at any time while reading this, you feel like sending me some hate mail, go for it. I would love to hear about how I’m an idiot for dissing your favorite song that’s helping you get through the breakup of your extremely short-term high school love affair.

First stop, my number one least favorite Taylor Swift song of all time. Say hello to Love Story. Look… it’s just stupid. For about the six billionth time, Romeo and Juliet was a TRAGEDY, and they freaking DIED at the end, and if you seriously expect your life to ever be all cutesy and fairy tale perfect, you need to get out of this dream world you’re in.

Then there’s the runner-up, Teardrops On My Guitar. After hearing the song about 94395436984 times because it gets so much airplay and actually reading the lyrics a few times, I think I have a pretty decent understanding of what it’s about. Let me know if I’m about right on this. So, there’s this girl, and she’s obsessed with this guy named Drew, but she can’t date him because he’s dating some other chick. She wallows in self-pity because she can’t accept the fact that her friend is happy with the girl he’s dating and that you don’t get everything you want in life, and cries herself to sleep while holding a guitar, because she’s just that cool. She just endlessly hates on this other girl instead of either (a) getting over it, because it’s a crush and she’ll get over it, and Drew is obviously happy, or (b) at least telling this Drew guy that she’s obsessed with him, so he can either dump the other chick for her or get a restraining order. Really not that difficult, kids.

Oh wait, back up, I forgot about You Belong With Me. Nevermind, this is the worst Taylor Swift song ever written. This takes “pathetic” to a whole new level. So basically, this girl who isn’t a cheerleader and who favors wearing t-shirts to dressing like a slut is all sad because the popular boy she’s obsessed with doesn’t like her. Let us count the failures in this song, shall we?

1. The girl seems to be friends with the object of her deranged affection, to some extent (hm, where have we seen that theme before?), but through all this time they spend together, she never once mentions that she’s obsessed with him. Hey, you have to start somewhere.
2. Obviously, this guy goes for cheerleader-type girls. Wonder what his priorities in a relationship are. She’s better off without him.
3.  She complains about how this guy’s girlfriend isn’t right for him. Uh, I believe that’s his problem.
4. Just… ugh. I could keep going, but I’m tired of thinking about this song, so I’m moving on now.

A quick note about Fifteen. While I love the suggestion that young people are, for the most part, clueless and easily manipulated, there’s this one little thing that bugs me…

“It’s your freshman year and you’re gonna be here For the next four years in this town Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say “You know I haven’t seen you around, before”

WTF? Congrats, you’re a freshman and you’re already a mega-slut.

And then there’s Forever & Always, which I don’t think I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing, but the lyrics are absolutely hysterical. Of COURSE he didn’t mean it! The majority of the teenage population is incapable of love, and you should not be talking about “forever” when you’re… what? 12? 14? 16?

Okay, I’m off my soapbox now. I will reiterate that I’m not calling the people who listen to Taylor Swift stupid, but Taylor Swift’s songs are stupid. You’re welcome to listen to her music, just please keep it in the back of your mind that you really need to have a better grip on yourself than this. As always, flames are welcome and always amusing, but make sure your complaint is valid. Enjoy the rest of your Halloween, everybody.

Advertisement