You kids and your pointless facebook campaigns…

A post I came across on someone else’s blog (warning: language) got me thinking about this. While, thankfully, none of those stupid facebook campaigns are going on right now, that I know of, they really do annoy the crap out of me. I also think I can do a better job of explaining why they’re stupid with significantly fewer f-bombs.

If you’re not familiar with what a “facebook campaign” is because you just blindly follow them without knowing what they’re called, a facebook campaign is when some idiot decides that everyone should post cryptic statuses or change their profile pictures or re-post a status to supposedly help further/raise awareness of some cause. Recent examples include people changing their profile pictures to Caylee Anthony after her mother got acquitted, girls posting random colors as their statuses, and the most recent “[however many] inches ” status. Because posting suggestive crap as your status is totally going to raise awareness of…

Breast cancer. Yes, breast cancer.

Since you probably all gasped in shock and want me to burn in a hole for disrespecting the memory of all the victims of breast cancer, let me explain. I know and know of lots of people who’ve died from, are still fighting, or have survived breast cancer. It’s a horrible disease, and especially since the statistics say an awful lot of us are going to end up with it if they don’t find a cure soon, I sure as heck hope they do. I mean your (and my) relatives, friends, teachers, etc. no disrespect with this note. I also don’t support Casey Anthony’s acquittal or child predators using facebook or anything else that has had a campaign devoted to it. Put down the pitchforks.

When women were posting their bra colors, the location of their purses (preceded by “I like it”), and the lengths of their feet in the name of breast cancer, did a single cent go to breast cancer research? No. The dumb statuses didn’t come with a “donate” button. Did it really raise awareness? No, because most people had no idea what was going on. And, honestly, is there anyone in civilized America who hasn’t heard of breast cancer and already decided if they’re going to be concerned or not? No. You’re all wasting your time.

Then there’s the thing with Caylee Anthony. Though that one did make a little more sense than the breast cancer crap, since the goal was to torment the people that let Casey go free by making them see her daughter’s picture everywhere, did that really accomplish anything? Probably not, unless all the people that did it are facebook friends with the jurors. (And don’t even get me started on the porch light thing…)

I also vaguely remember a motion to change your profile picture to a cartoon character because of child predators or something. If I remember correctly, it was to make it harder for them to figure out who was a kid, or something like that. You’re stupid. If you want to have a nostalgia attack, that’s fine with me, but I seriously doubt it protected any kids from predators. There was also a separate instance of this where people were supposed to be raising awareness of child abuse. Because some parent is definitely going to see that someone’s profile picture is the Rugrats and think “Wow, I should really tell Mike to stop beating his kids.”

To be blunt, facebook campaigns only exist for lazy people to feel like they’re making a difference in the world. If you’re concerned about breast cancer, make a donation to the national breast cancer site to help further research. If you’re concerned about child abuse, donate to any of the various organizations that are helping abused children. If you’re concerned about pedophiles on the internet, delete your 9 year old’s facebook that you foolishly let him create. And if you’re concerned about Casey Anthony being acquitted, you have every right to be, but shut up about it and feel secure in the knowledge that she’ll get what she deserves eventually.

Until then, stop cluttering up my news feed. Thank you, and have a nice rest of your day. Also, for those interested, my underwear is blue, my foot is about 8 inches long, my purse is on my dresser, and my favorite childhood cartoon was the Fairly Oddparents.

Girls: What Your Boyfriend is Not

Yes, I just went there. I feel that somehow, this goes hand-in-hand with some of my earlier rants about teenagers and their pathetic relationships. It really bugs me to see girls treat their boyfriends like crap, so this serves a dual purpose: pointing out to crappy girlfriends that they suck, and hopefully giving their boyfriends a clue that they don’t have to take their crap.

I am in no way presenting myself as the world’s best girlfriend. I’m definitely not the worst, but I do my fair share of whining and royally embarrassing my boyfriend in public. However, I can proudly say that I have never intentionally done any of the things that I’m about to make fun of. Don’t you dare call me a hypocrite.

So, without further ado, things your boyfriend is not.

Your Pack Mule

I think we’ve progressed socially past that era where a guy carrying your books was the first sign of true love. And I get that it’s still cute. But give the poor guy a break… he has places to go and no matter how cute your purse is, he doesn’t want to carry it everywhere. Sure, it wouldn’t kill him to help you carry your stuff every now and then, like when you actually have more stuff than you can carry, but don’t be that girl who walks to class empty-handed while their boyfriend follows along with two backpacks, a lunchbox (yours), an umbrella (yours), a rolled poster board (yours), a textbook (yours), and a purse (yours). Which brings me to my next point…

Your Personal Escort

Believe it or not, he also has only 4 minutes to get to his next class, and while it’s sweet that you’ve nagged him into walking all the way across campus with you to kiss you goodbye in front of your third block classroom (which, by the way, is a violation of the school code of conduct and it freaks me out), he doesn’t have to be late every day. You’re perfectly capable (I hope) of getting to your next class without getting lost. If you can’t accept that he has places to go that are just as important as yours, you need to get your priorities straight. Yes, you > going to class, but you < avoiding detention.

Your Personal Slave/Maid/Servant

Stop making your boyfriend get and do everything for you. Seriously. A relationship is a mutual thing that involves effort from both sides and compromise for just about everything. Don’t make him get the food, drinks, movie, DVD player, and blanket while you sit on the couch and chill. Don’t stand there at band practice and let him fight the crowds to get you all the chips while you twiddle your thumbs. Whenever possible, split the work. It gets everything done faster and makes him feel less like he’s being used.

Your Personal Sex Slave

… Unless, of course, you’re into that kind of stuff.

Use protection, kids.

A Jungle Gym/Pillow/Mattress/Pony

If he’s a decent guy, I promise, he’s not going to cheat on you if you let go of him for three seconds. You do not need to climb on his back, sit on him, hang on his waist/neck/ankles, hold both his hands, drag him along everywhere, demand piggyback rides, lay on him, lean on his shoulder at every possible moment, or just otherwise climb all over him all the time to keep him from cheating on you. There are moments where that’s acceptable, but it’s usually a mutual thing (and should also be done at home or very briefly if in public). When you do it all the time, that’s called being clingy (literally), and guys hate that. But don’t worry, if you do it, he definitely won’t cheat on you. He’ll just dump you.

Your Bodyguard

I know girls think the most romantic thing a guy could do for them is punch someone’s lights out, but honestly, if your boyfriend actually does that on a regular basis (threatening is acceptable), you need a new boyfriend. Decent boyfriends may threaten to because they do care about you and don’t like sleazy guys hitting on you or mean girls making fun of you, but they won’t actually do it because they look like jerks, and they can get in major trouble. Quit asking your boyfriend to beat people up because they looked at you funny.

Side note, it’s also stupid to expect him to catch a grenade, throw his hand on the blade, jump in front of a train, take a bullet straight through his brain, or otherwise die for you. I mean, really. You’re in high school. Get over yourself and listen to some real music. Like this. That is what you should expect from a guy.

A Mind Reader

I’m sure every girl would love a guy who can automatically tell when they want to talk, when they don’t, when they’re happy, when they’re sad, if they’re having girl problems, how they feel about something, what they had for breakfast that morning, and what their favorite flower is just by looking at them. Well, guess what? Such a guy does not exist. Stop whining about it in your statuses, stop telling your boyfriend he sucks for asking if you were okay when you’re “obviously” on your period, and make an effort to actually communicate with him. Otherwise, and I speak from firsthand experience, he thinks you’re on crack. If you’re really not going to be happy until you have a boyfriend that you only have to bother paying attention to when you feel like it and who only exists to make you happy while ignoring his own needs, you should consider investing in artificially intelligent robots. Or you can go with the cheaper option, which is to get the heck over yourself and realize that a relationship is a mutual thing.

Without Feelings

Guys, like girls, do appreciate compliments every now and then, and generally enjoy not being trashed by their girlfriends to their friends. A harmless joke is one thing, but don’t go out of your way to constantly annoy, humiliate, or make fun of him. Don’t tell all your friends about something embarrassing he did unless he knows it’s all in fun. He may not curl up in his fluffy pink sheets at night and text all his friends while crying and eating ice cream, but it is hurtful, and he shouldn’t have to take that crap.

A Fair-Weather Companion

If you’re really serious about this guy, you won’t just hang out with him when he’s happy and feels great and ignore him when he’s crabby. You’ll try to cheer him up, take care of him, etcetera, because you expect him to do the same for you, don’t you? Every girl probably likes the idea of having a boyfriend who loves them so much that they’ll hold their hair while they’re puking in the middle of the night, right? Well, newsflash: If you expect him to do that for you, you’d better be ready to do it for him. That’s right. You might have to take care of him when he’s sick, too. Can’t handle it? Don’t expect a long-term commitment from a guy. Ever. When you hypothetically get married and live in your 5-story mansion (paid for by him, of course), and he’s puking in the middle of the night, there will be nobody there to help him but you.

Secretly Dating All His Female Friends

Get over it. Your boyfriend probably had a few female friends before you started dating him, and you can’t expect him to ditch them. Even if they’re exes, if their relationship ended ages ago, you probably have nothing to worry about. Heck, even if they’re obviously interested in him, there’s no problem as long as he doesn’t return their affections. If that bothers you, calmly talk about it with him sometime, perhaps. However, if you ultimately can’t tolerate him having a few female friends, you have some major insecurity issues. If he’s a good guy, he’s only interested in you, and you need to quit freaking out. And please, please don’t stoop to annoying him about his male friends. If he’s dating you, he’s probably not gay. We hope. That said…

Completely Immune to Temptation

He’s a guy. He might occasionally notice a hot girl. As long as he doesn’t ask for her number, accidentally call you by her name while you’re having a moment, or drop dead from testosterone overload on sight, you probably have nothing to worry about. Unless you suddenly see her hanging around a lot more after the initial meeting, she’s probably been forgotten about already. So next time you’re walking through the mall and he looks at another girl for three seconds, don’t kill him. He can’t help it. (He might also get what he deserves and will find out later that she’s a transvestite. You never know.)

Blind

While you’re so busy making sure he isn’t cheating on you, don’t be cheating on him. Most guys aren’t completely stupid and/or in denial, and will quickly pick up on the fact that you flirt with just about everyone but him, climb all over other guys, and have a larger-than-normal group of “casual guy friends” that you spend more time with than you spend with him. He probably feels like a loser watching you do all this, and if he doesn’t dump you pretty quickly, it’s probably because he actually cares about you (poor guy) and thinks there’s still hope. If you don’t want him to cheat on you, realize that you can’t cheat on him either. He’s not as stupid as you clearly think he is.

A Gossip Columnist

His level of “give a crap” about most things that you find interesting about your classmates’ love lives is usually through the floor. In the interest of compromise, most guys will stand listening to gossip for short periods of time, and may even act semi-interested, but if that’s really all you talk about, he probably hates you, and should’ve dumped you by now. Gossip is what you have girl friends for. Also, don’t gossip about or badmouth his friends unless he does it first, and even then, don’t overdo it.

A Money Tree

At the beginning of a relationship, it’s generally assumed that the guy pays for almost everything. But once you’ve been together for a few months, realize that if you want to keep dating this guy, you’re going to have to start spending some money. You can’t expect him to take you out to dinner two or three times a week at around 20 bucks a meal (unless you eat at WaHo and one of you only gets a grilled cheese sandwich, in which case the meal costs 6-10 bucks). At least pay for dessert or the tip or something. It’s also not unreasonable to expect him to buy you decent presents for holidays, birthdays, and just randomly, but he would appreciate it if you’d return the favor. Honestly, you’re still getting the better end of the deal. What a girl would deem a decent birthday present usually costs a heck of a lot more than what a guy would appreciate. (Unless you order off the internet. Shipping and handling costs more than the actual present, just FYI.) If you can’t be bothered to get him the occasional gift and pay for some food, that’s called using him and/or his parents for his/their money, and it’s usually frowned upon.

A Knight in Shining Armor

Your boyfriend can’t solve all your problems. He can (and should) try to offer advice, but he can’t make the mean girls stop making fun of you. He can’t make your stomach feel better. He can’t bring your dead cat back to life. Expect him to support you, but don’t expect him to move mountains to make your life perfect.

Ready to Marry You in High School

Guys think it’s unbelievably creepy when girls start talking about marriage with any seriousness after like, the first week. It’s a high school relationship, not a lifelong commitment. Chill the heck out, or you really will grow old and die alone. And please, please don’t get “engaged” in high school, especially when you’ve only been dating for a short time. Guys that actually go along with that plan are worse than the girls who suggest it in the first place.

A Girl

Bottom line is, if you want someone to talk to about makeup, fashion, gossip, or Jersey Shore, call a girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t care, and it’s cruel and unusual punishment for you to expect him to.

Guys, if your girlfriend expects you to be any of these things on a regular basis, just take my advice and dump her. Or at least talk to her about it and see if she’ll change, but most girls who treat their boyfriends like crap are also the ones who post whiny statuses, think they’re in love with everyone they date, and think “Love Story” by Taylor Swift is their anthem. (Dear God, I hate Taylor Swift. If you haven’t picked up on that by now.) In other words, it’s probably a lost cause, but I admire you for trying.  And don’t give up all hope… not all girls suck. Just the ones that expect you to be Jesus with no strings attached.

While there are a lot fewer girls who probably suck as girlfriends on my friends list than there are guys who have sucky girlfriends, if you’re one of the few that I do have added, please get a clue, get over yourself, and take this to heart. Do the world (and your poor, abused boyfriend) a favor.

Comphrehensive Guide to Interpreting Whiny Girls’ Facebook Posts

(Original post: August 8, 2011)

We all have that one (or two, or ten, or fifty) facebook friend(s) who never seem to post anything but lyrics to Taylor Swift songs and status posts that make little to no sense but are clearly intended to make people curious as to what they’re talking about, possibly prompting them to ask the poster. They are often very annoying as they tend to update their statuses at one to three hour intervals and the moods conveyed by their cryptic posts can change dramatically with each new post. There are many names for these sorts of people (usually females, but males have been known to display such behavior as well), but we’ll just call them attention whores.

The goal of these statuses, as previously mentioned, it to catch peoples’ interest just enough to make them ask what’s going on, thus giving the aptly-named attention whores the attention they’re looking for. Unfortunately, due to their lack of understanding of whiny girl lingo, many people, often guys, fall right into this trap and do end up gratifying the attention whore, though usually receiving another vague or cryptic reply that causes a rather stupid conversation to occur. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of seeing 500 comment exchanges that begin like this:

(Original Post) Girl: omg life is kicking my butt these days. if only you knew, if only you cared…

Clueless male: whats wrong?

Girl: nothing

Clueless male: u sound pretty upset to me

Girl: im fine!

Guy: no, ur not

Girl: fine, whatever. ill tell you in pm

Guy: well if it helps, I think ur beautiful(:

Girl: awhhh really?(:

… Followed by another 92378436245 comments of annoying flirting and probably a chick fight or two along the way.

It came to me a couple days ago that maybe if guys could figure out what was wrong with the girl without needing to ask further questions, many awkward and annoying conversations could be avoided and attention whores would have to find a new hobby. Everyone wins! (Except the attention whores.) So without further ado…

The Comprehensive Guide to Interpreting Whiny Girls’ Facebook Posts

We will begin with a basic introduction to whiny girl vocabulary. People who post cryptic statuses usually fall into the stereotype of girls who think love is rainbows and perfection, all guys love them, and Taylor Swift actually has talent. Thankfully, this means they all abuse the same words in the same ways, making such a list very easy to write. Their statuses are very likely to contain at least one of the following words, and that alone should give you an idea of what effect they were going for.

• Love – a crush that lasts for more than 24 hours
• True love – a relationship that lasts more than 24 hours
• Pain/suffering/agony - the result of any situation that doesn’t go their way
• Miserable – similar to the above, only refers to the fact that they feel out of control of their pathetic little world since the aforementioned situation didn’t go the way they wanted it to
• Pathetic (as applied to other people) – usually someone else who is after the guy they’re interested in, or just girls they feel to be inferior in some way
• Jerk - anyone who disagrees with them
• Understand (as in “you just don’t understand!”) – agree with their opinion
• Trust – the secure knowledge that other people won’t share their embarrassing, awkward, and/or downright hilarious stories with the public. Very rare and easily broken in high school, apparently.
• Heartbreak – Like pain, suffering, and agony, but in a situation that involves at least one guy
• Thinking (about someone) – Freakishly obsessing over (someone)
• Talking – (from my observations) Can mean anything from “in the beginning stages of a relationship with” to “having a physical relationship with”
• You/him – Often used in the sense of addressing the guy that has done them wrong in the vain hope that he’ll read the post, think “she must be talking about me!”, run through the pouring rain to see her right away, and propose to her. Rarely has much of an effect.
• Beautiful/stunning/gorgeous (usually applied to someone other than herself) – they’re bored and desperately need someone (or a lot of people) to tell them how attractive they are
• (: – the backwards smiley face. It’s like the forwards smiley face in that it suggests happiness, but I guess people think it looks cuter and more flirty when put backwards. This is a dead giveaway that the status is about a guy. If it’s a winky smiley face, just cringe and don’t think too much about what it means.

Now that we’ve gotten through that, here is a sample list of statuses posted by whiny girls, along with an explanation of what they’re probably talking about. These have been generously provided by various attention whores that I’ve stayed facebook friends with solely to read their crap for my own entertainment, though they have been edited slightly from their original form to save the original posters the embarrassment of being featured in a rant about attention whores (and to keep them from posting cryptic statuses about how stupid I am).

“I change my mind…”

While the actual issue is unclear, the obvious aim is to get people to ask what they’re changing their mind about. My guess is which guy they’re going to pursue, because if it was what shirt they were going to wear, it wouldn’t warrant a status. If you’re a guy and you’ve been talking to this girl, you should probably be concerned. And ditch her.

“I hate it when people bring things up not knowing how it makes me feel…”

Someone mentioned this girl’s ex-boyfriend or a guy she used to be interested in. It was probably a totally innocent comment that may have not even been directed at the girl herself, but now she’s all “miserable” and thinks her friends list gives a crap.

“[insignificant activity], [insignificant activity], amazing kisses, and [insignificant activity](;”

The winky smiley face is an obvious indication that the only point of a status like this is the “juicy” part in the middle about kissing, hugging, or doing whatever else with someone. It’s supposed to make you wonder who they’re doing this with and what else they’ve done with them. Because, y’know, being a skank is cool! 

“I’m done with your crap!”

Some guy didn’t do what she wanted and now she’s annoyed. Doesn’t matter who… people close to her can probably guess, and if you’re genuinely worried about her, message her.

“Why doesn’t anyone understand me?”

Something didn’t go the way this girl planned, and of course, it’s their fault, not hers.

“If only you understood my pain, my suffering, my past…”

Something didn’t go this girl’s way (and it was most likely her fault), and apparently her “traumatic” past (that most likely wasn’t actually traumatic, or she wouldn’t be obviously alluding to it in a status) makes her most likely immature and dumb actions excusable.

“Nobody likes me. I’m so ugly. “

This is a blatant cry for attention. Usually posted by fairly “popular” and attractive people, they just want everyone else to confirm that they are indeed popular and attractive because it makes them feel special. It’s just like when they post it on pictures where they’re wearing almost no clothing and making some kind of “sexy” face and want people to compliment them. Don’t do it.

“Love is so complicated!”

Any girl who uses the word “love” in more than one status per month or so has no idea what love is, how complicated it is, and has never been in it. Period dot the end. This girl probably got rejected by some guy she barely knew and felt the need to share her pain with the world, despite the fact that she has no idea what she’s talking about.

“Great day.(;

Someone really wants us to think she, ahem, “got lucky”. Most likely, she didn’t. Not sure why anyone would post something like this regardless of whether or not it’s true.

“Your cute(;”

-facepalm- I hate these people the most. It’s like she really thinks the guy she’s talking about is going to magically know she means him, fight other guys for her, and ask her out in the pouring rain or whatever the heck girls think is romantic now. It usually results in a 9001 comment war about who she was talking about, often with fights. They also can’t spell “you’re” right to save their lives. Ever.

“You better watch out, I’m gonna get revenge…”

Ooh, some girl probably looked at your boyfriend for three whole seconds without your permission. Yeah, I’m really scared if you had to post a fake threat on facebook.

And last but not least, ignore all instances of song lyrics, poems, or quotes that are obviously about love or the lack thereof. They’re just different ways of phrasing the above. If you’re unsure about the meaning from the line or two they posted, look up the whole song, which should be very self-explanatory, especially if Taylor Swift crapped it out.

Once you’ve studied that very closely, here’s a step-by-step thought process for guys to follow when they come across a cryptic whiny girl status.

1. “Do I know this person very well?” If answer is no, then why do you have them added on facebook in the first place? Delete them, you friend whore. If yes, proceed.
2. “Am I relatively close friends with this person and do they care about my opinion at all?” If no, then ignore the stupid status and get on with your life. If yes, consider asking them what’s wrong in a private message.
3. “Do I have a crush on them?” If answer is no, then just ignore this stupid status and get on with your life. If yes, fine, keep reading, but don’t use this as a lame opportunity to try to flirt with them. Please. It’s sickening.
4. “Is she talking about me?” If no/probably not, just move on. It’s not worth your time. If there’s a legitimate possibility it’s about you (either you’re dating her or you know she’s interested in you and you might’ve wronged her in some way), ask her about it in a private message if you wish, but not on the status itself.
5. “Do I give a crap?” If it could be about you but you honestly don’t care, good! Move on and find a girl who keeps her personal life off of facebook and doesn’t have to whore for attention through status updates. If yes, you need to find a new hobby, dude.

Last but not least, a desperate plea to all females who insist on posting this garbage: STOP POSTING THIS GARBAGE. If you have 200 facebook friends, an estimated 5 of them actually care about your problems or have a vested interest in the outcome. The other 195 think you’re an attention whoring idiot. If you’re having a real issue, talk about it with a coupe of trusted friends, but stop posting statuses about it all the time.

I realize that most girls, myself included, do this every once in a while. When an urge to rant hits, they can be fun. However, when you get over your anger and realize how stupid you sound, delete it. As fun as it might be to watch guys fight over who thinks you’re the most beautiful in light of your “depression” or have a bunch of friends demanding to know what’s wrong and who they need to beat up, it’s annoying to the rest of us, and honestly, it ruins your image a bit too. Find another outlet for your problems, because I don’t care, and neither do most sensible people.

While I understand that it might be almost unthinkable to stop responding to someone who seems to be in distress, it is vital that you do so. With the cooperation of everyone on facebook, I’d like to hope we can destroy attention whores once and for all by eliminating any satisfaction they might get from responses to their statuses. Don’t even troll them, as tempting as it may be. Eventually, they’ll have to find somewhere else to complain, like myspace (where you can even set a mood to make people wonder what’s wrong with you). Please pass this message along.

Together, we can make attention whores “lonely”, “sad”, and “misunderstood” more than ever by simply not wasting our time.

Earth to Parents…

(Original post: June 13, 2011)

Over the last few days, as a way to entertain myself, I’ve been snooping through other peoples’ facebook accounts… and quite frankly, I am appalled. I’ve seen sixth graders posting pictures where they’re practically naked and addressing each other with all kinds of swear words, to kids around my age posting the intimate details of their personal lives and pictures of them doing illegal things. All of this makes me wonder… where are the parents while all of this is going on?

Now grant it, my parents are older than most peoples’ parents and I’ve been raised in technological and social isolation. This explains the striped shirts and knit pants I was forced to wear until middle school and the t-shirts and cheap jeans I wore until high school, and the relatively non-slutty clothes I still wear, the fact that the only video game I play is Portal, and the fact that I listen to Elton John instead of Taylor Swift. However, I think it also explains the fact that I’ve never gotten in major trouble on the internet (despite contrary belief, anything inflammatory I’ve posted was meant with good intentions and my so-called “peers” tend to overreact to them because they know I’m referring to them), I’m not on drugs, and I’m not pregnant. My parents have always taken the time to have a decent idea of what I’m doing both on and off the computer, and they would freak out if they found out that I act like most of my peers do.

I first got involved with the internet when I was fairly young, after hurricane Ivan. I made an account on wikiHow, which freaked my parents out initially, but they got over it when they saw that I was using it safely. I’ve now been involved with the wikiHow community for about 5 years, and they’re great people. I ran across some inappropriate material on there from time to time, but only saw it long enough to tag it for deletion, and never actually did any of the things I read about. I still don’t. This is partially because my parents were always over my shoulder, but mostly because I have better things to do with my time than try to pierce my own bellybutton or fool a drug test.

My sister has unfortunately been more of a victim of the technology and stupidity generation, but she’s still fairly intelligent about it. She has two of those overrated Nintendo DS things, an iPod, has a facebook, shops at Justice, and listens to Taylor Swift, but she differs from the average sixth grader in that she wears clothes that actually cover her reproductive organs, has never used a swear word that I’ve heard of, and doesn’t cuss people out over facebook like the majority of kids her age.

I just can’t help but wonder… do parents not notice how their kids dress, act, and talk, or do they just not care? My parents aren’t helicopter parents. Honestly, if I wanted to have a secret life where I did drugs and wore butt shorts and tank tops everywhere, I’m probably smart enough to get away with it for a while. But I don’t, because my parents aren’t complete and total idiots, and I know they’d figure it out eventually. I also have higher hopes for my future than that.

Believe it or not, your kids can look “cool” in clothes that still cover their bodies, and they don’t need ten thousand pounds of eye makeup when they’re 12 (or ever, but that’s another story). You ten year old doesn’t need an iPhone, and he’s probably using it to log into to his facebook account that he’s too young to have and post his personal info all over the internet. Are parents being manipulated into letting their children walk around almost naked and have access to too much technology because the kids tell them “everyone is doing it”? What happened to “if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?”

Then there’s what these kids are doing on the internet, armed with their short shorts, see-through shirts, and ten thousand pounds of eye makeup. They post “sexy” pictures of each other that are just revolting. They’re wearing clothes meant to showcase body parts that they don’t really have yet, and they’re giving the camera a “come hither” look while taking pictures down their shirts or with their butts sticking out. They post statuses like “hangin out w alex tonight. gettttinnnn lucky??? ” (actually copied from a sixth grader’s facebook). Do they even know what that means? And worse, are they actually doing it?

Or even better, here’s some comments copied and pasted from a real comment war on some sixth grader’s slutty picture. She and some other girl were having a friendly conversation, and a third girl butts in with “okay [NAME] u really neeed to shut up ok no one even lks u ok so yehh back off and try saying some stuff to my face and just not to other ppl”. This is followed by about 40 more comments where about 4 girls bash each other. The highlights include:

“dont worry someone will say it to ur face for me soo i dont have to deal with ur disgustin smell oh and try washing ur hair!!! it helps”

“look here you need to lay off yuo think yur gogeous when flat ass ugly butch so fuck off and how bout instead of talkin shit you can come and hit me cause bitch ud be to scared to thats y you always say crap not do anything to help it like say hit me or [NAME] cause u she would kick yur ever lovin ass!”

“[NAME] idk if thats possible ok she thinks she can do watever she wants and thats not true shes a lil prick nobody i mean NOBODY likes u [NAME] you may think they but in the inside they hate all of yur guts soo lay off before i cane thru this computer and beat the living crap out of u!!”

“sweetheart everybody does ike me nobody likes yur sry lil butt nobody likes you and you look like edward from a mile away ok soo nobody wants to suck anything of yurs either im sure ppl would want to suck something of mine before they got to you ok oh wait [NAME] close yyur legs i can smell you!”

“U dont you don’t have a right to say that im not a discrace to the lord ur a unholy brat if u were a christian u would know to never say that the only way ud get me to die in a hole is if u put my bible there I know its not the same for you..”

 

Please note the profanity, inappropriate phrases, insults, threats of violence, and insults pertaining to Twilight. Oh, and the comment about how this one girl is such a Christian. That cracked me up. Seriously though…

This is public. I’m not friends with this girl. ANYBODY who comes across her page can see all this. Which means her parents have no excuse not to be reading it. I looked at the profiles of the other girls involved, and those who have theirs set to public have all kinds of stuff like this on there as well. I also heard that the above conversation led to a fistfight occurring at school. Even after they were notified about that, did the parents look into what their darling little girl might’ve done to cause it? Nope. I also did a simple google search on some of these kids using the information provided on their facebook pages, and found an address within two minutes. So anyone who sees their skanky profile pictures can track them down and kidnap them. How comforting.

I know I didn’t do any of that stuff in middle school, and I didn’t have any friends who did. Maybe other kids at the school were, but I was lucky enough not to cross paths with them very much. Now my younger sister crosses paths with them all the time, whether she wants to or not, and she’s not any “cooler” than I was when I was there, leading to the conclusion that delinquent children are multiplying. These kids are our country’s future, by the way. If this keeps up, where will we be in a few more years?

Okay, so I’ll quit bashing sixth graders a bit and move on to people my own age. While it’s still none of my close friends, I know the majority of the population of my high school, including the magical and revered athletes that are supposedly perfect little angels, are involved with all kinds of drugs, smoking, sex, drinking, and general stupidity. Now grant it, they have cars and jobs and social lives, so their parents don’t see them as much, but still. How can a parent not realize that their kid comes home late every other night smelling like a distillery, or that their teenage daughter pulls her shirt down half a foot as soon as she gets to school and does drugs in the bathroom with sleazy guys? There are kids who blatantly grope each other in the middle of crowded classrooms, and the whole school knows what they’re up to, but their parents remain in the dark. This is often a failure on the part of school administration, but even when these kids get in trouble at school, their parents never seem to look into it. Are they afraid to know the truth about what their baby has done with their life? Do they not care? Or worse, are they encouraging this behavior?

At the moment, I don’t really want to have kids. It’s not because I’m afraid of the responsibility or think I’m going to grow up, never marry, and die old and alone, but I simply don’t want to have a child in this world right now. They’d have the choice of either being another complete failure of a person like the majority of kids seem to be these days, or they would be endlessly teased for simply having some semblance of a moral compass and common sense. I think I’ll spare them the pain.

Now that you’ve read through all that, I am proud to present…
Parenting for Dummies: How to Make Sure Your Kid Isn’t Secretly Screwing Up His or Her Life

• Know your child’s friends, both on and off the computer. Know who they are, what they’re like, and what they might be getting your child into. If your daughter’s new “friend” calls you “dude” when they meet you, smells like a chimney, and brings along equally fishy-looking friends, it might be time to have a talk with your kid. Know who your child has friended on facebook or myspace, and make sure you approve. You don’t have to be a total helicopter parent, but the kid who posts “wanna hang w me n my bitches tonight, ho” on your daughter’s page probably needs to go.
• Be clear about rules regarding the internet. Ideally, you shouldn’t let your child have a facebook or myspace until they’re 13 (the legal age to have an account on a social networking site), or at least make sure you keep a close eye on them if they have one before that. Your child should be required to friend at least one responsible adult. Since there is an option to hide posts from certain people, if you suspect your child is doing this, demand access to their account to check it out (or better yet, know their password). Keep an eye on their conversations, their pictures, and other sites they go to.
• The same goes for cell phones. I’ve heard there are plans you can get where you can read your child’s texts… this might be a good investment, even if you can’t possibly imagine that your child might be discussing something inappropriate. And don’t even get them a cell phone until they reach an age where they need one to keep in touch with you… maybe middle school.
• Have rules about clothing. Go shopping with your child, or at least make it clear that you can veto and demand the returning of anything they buy that you think is inappropriate. This is more of a girl problem, but it can’t hurt to know what your son is wearing to school too. Believe it or not, it is possible to buy nice clothes for your daughter that aren’t skintight and cover her adequately. Even brand name clothing can be decent. Adhere to your child’s school’s dress code. Don’t even buy anything that they couldn’t wear to school, with the possible exception of shorts (because it is has to find shorts that fit the three inch rule).
• Know where your kids are going, and who they’re going with. Don’t just let them leave the house and come home whenever. Expect at least some kind of conversation when they get home regarding where they were and what they did. If something they say sounds fishy, double-check their story. That’s not being nosy… it’s not being a moron.
• Stress the importance of education. Even if your child struggles in school, keep encouraging them and helping them. Check their grades and attendance regularly, and deal with any skipping or failing classes immediately.
• Teach them basic manners and rules of life. Say please and thank you, don’t walk in the middle of the street (because that’s where cars are supposed to drive), avoid swearing. So many kids these days don’t seem to have learned this.
• Above all, just be attentive. You don’t have to eat dinner as a family every night and have family circle time before bed, but talk to your kids and expect them to talk back. Know the difference between normal teenage attitude and when they’re hiding something. Don’t be overly nosy, but know what’s going on in your kid’s life. Good luck with raising a child that will help further society instead of holding it back.

Public Displays of Idiocy

(Original post: April 27, 2011)

I have a question. The answer to this question, assuming that a logical one even exists, will clear up many of my concerns about the state of today’s youth. As much as I would like for this question to be unanswerable, I realize there probably is an answer… I just won’t like it.

The question is this: How on Earth do people find public displays of affection, particularly at school, to be at all appropriate, normal, or — to put it bluntly — enjoyable? What is it that brings people to feel that it is socially acceptable to walk around with their hands all over and/or in their boyfriend or girlfriend’s pants while making out like it’s going out of style? I really and truly have no idea.

If you’ve just realized with a sinking feeling in your chest that I’m probably about to make fun of you, please take a moment to read the following disclaimer:

I realize that all people have a God (or whoever)-given right to do (almost) whatever they want to in public, as long as it’s not illegal (meaning they’re not naked or otherwise going above and beyond the usual definition of “inappropriate”) and they’re not in school (theoretically… it appears to me that the code of conduct is just a rumor). By writing this, I am in no way denying you this right. I am simply pointing out that, like many other God-given rights such as the right to scribble expletives all over your face with permanent marker or the right to tell your girlfriend how ugly she is while she’s holding a steak knife, this is one right that may be best not exercised.

That said, I really would like an answer to that question. Perhaps there’s something I’m missing here. Maybe one day, I will completely abandon every shred of dignity and self-respect and I, too, can experience that wonderful feeling of having someone lick my tonsils and grope my butt while my peers stare on in horror.

… Er, nevermind. I think I’ll pass.

Seriously. If you know you do that and would like me and your other like-minded peers to have any respect for you whatsoever, please stop doing that. You’re more than welcome to do these behaviors at home or somewhere else where innocent people don’t have to see you (though your parents may not agree — I wonder what they’d say if they found out how some of you people act), but please, for the love of God, stop getting it on in public places. I’m sure, assuming you have any feelings for each other and engage in such activities for reasons other than to prove to everyone that you can “get some”, those activities would be much more enjoyable without an audience. Try it sometime.

For those who may not be smart enough to figure out what about their behavior is offensive, I have included an outline of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors below. Take good notes.

 

Appropriate

Hand-holding. It’s harmless, cute, and generally doesn’t make other people gag when they see you doing it. Small children can do it, and you could do it in front of a small child without being berated by their parents. Hand-holding, in fact, is one of the most acceptable forms of PDA, along with hugging (see below). It’s even allowed in the school code of conduct (which, if enforced, would have had a lot of you expelled by now for going well beyond hand-holding). You can also vary the traditional idea of hand-holding by putting your arm around your significant other’s shoulders or waist (waist, not butt). Personally, I think that looks extremely uncomfortable and possessive, especially when people are trying to walk like that, but whatever floats your boat.

However, there are circumstances in which hand-holding is not so appropriate… in particular, when you and your boyfriend or girlfriend are trying to keep your hands/arms connected while walking through a huge crowd of people. Hand-holding is not so enjoyable that you really need to do it that badly. The world will not end if someone breaks you apart momentarily to get to their class on time. Trust me. It’s all going to be okay.

Inappropriate

That walking-with-your-hands-in-each-others’-back-pockets thing. Just don’t do that. You look dumb, and it’s awkward and disturbing. Same goes for any form of walking where one partner (usually the girlfriend) is wrapped around the boyfriend like he’s a stripper pole. Or she’s some kind of monkey. Save that for the somewhere-where-I’m-not, please.

A side note on that… do you have to practice to be able to do that? As annoying as it is to see you do it, I do have to give you some credit for having coordinated a walking pattern that works. My boyfriend and I have tried, with little success, to imitate you, and usually fall down after a couple of steps. Guess we’re too uncoordinated to act like horndogs in public. Darn.

 

Appropriate

Hugging. When it only involves two people wrapping their arms around each other somewhere above the butt and embracing, it’s perfectly appropriate. In most cases, a quick kiss is even fine. I don’t really care, and neither does anyone else, for the most part. Hug away.

Inappropriate

Making out and/or using hugging to disguise other activities. Seriously. When I see people do that, I automatically lose all respect for them, and they usually don’t gain it back. If you want me to take you seriously, especially as someone who’s supposedly an appointed authority figure that I’m supposed to look up to, keep all that in the bedroom. Respect is earned, not given, and I have a harder time respecting you when all I can think about when I look at you is how you’re always groping your boyfriend or girlfriend in class. Way to set an example.

That’s also really gross. You get God-knows-what all over your hands, open a door, I go to open the same door and touch the doorknob… just, ew. Keep your fluids to yourself.

 

If you must participate in any kind of PDA, there are certain times and places to do it. As far as school is concerned, stick to before and after school and between classes for your hugging and hand-holding activities. Unacceptable times and places include during class (don’t get frumpy with the teacher when learning activities interrupt your love session. You shouldn’t be doing that anyway), leaning on your car in the parking lot (while other people are trying to get in their cars and get out of there without running you over), or pretty much anywhere else. Do it at home.

Also, don’t get it on at band camp. While I do have to admire your courage and devotion to each other (?) to sit in each others’ laps at water break despite the fact that you’re both sweating like animals, covered with grime, and stink to high heavens in 100-degree weather, knock it off already. That’s just gross.

Why must you PDA all over the school anyway? The way I see it, there are two possibilities, and if you fall into either of these groups, you need serious help.

• You’re trying to get attention. This includes everything from trying to make exes jealous to just trying to prove to your friends that you’re sexually active, in case they didn’t believe you. Well congrats, we believe you. We’re just not impressed. Rather disgusted, actually.
• You don’t want your parents/guardians to know you’re sexually active. This is a legitimate concern, of course. The obvious solution here would be not to be sexually active, but if you insist on risking your whole future, here’s a thought. Would you rather get caught at home by your parents, or be caught by someone at the school, resulting in your parents being notified and you being publicly humiliated and perceived as a -insert derogatory nickname here- for the rest of your high school career? Up to you, but if it was me ruining my life, I’d go with option number one. Option number one gives you a better chance of not getting caught and also allows you to keep more friends. Just a thought.

In conclusion, I know your relationship is your business. My only goal here is for you to keep it just that — your business. If you really care about each other, you should know that a good relationship isn’t all about what other people see you do, and the less you do/they see, the better. If you realize you’ve been going a little overboard, just cut back some. The (relatively) innocent eyes of your peers thank you, as they will no longer be burned with mental images that nobody wants to see.

And if you insist on totally ignoring me, go ahead and embarrass yourself on facebook and declare premature love while you’re at it. Have a nice fling.

I Don’t Agree, and I’m Not Liking Your Post

(Original post: February 24, 2011)

I think my earlier status about those cheesy facebook like pages needs to be expanded on, since I couldn’t fully express my disgust and annoyance in 420 characters or less. I’m sure everyone with more than four friends on facebook has been assaulted at some point with “like page” notifications from some annoying teenage girl that lives in a dream world full of ponies, unicorns, and perfect relationships. As soon as I get done writing this, I intend to delete most of my friends that fall into this category (why am I friends with them in the first place? I dunno), except the ones whose antics I find funny. But seriously, we all know someone like this, right?

Has anyone ever actually bothered to read some of these things before removing them from their news feeds? These “like pages” really make me worry about the current mental state of America’s youth. They’re almost always filled with horrendous spelling, punctuation, and general typing errors that may or may not be intentional (I don’t know which possibility scares me more). Then there’s the content. From what I can tell, they range from slightly funny (but extremely old) jokes that some idiot heard from their grandpa and wanted to make a page out of, to cheesy fantasy scenarios that never happen in real life, to things that are so disturbing that you can’t really place them in a category. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at a few that I have copied and pasted directly from my news feed, which is currently displaying nothing but this garbage.

 

facebook:..

-Log on

-Check notifications

-Poke everyone back

-Go on homepage

-Do the “happy birthday” ritual

-Go back to homepage

-Change from “Top news” to “Most recent”

-Have a little scroll down

-Like a couple of pages

-You’re bored already…

Okay? Fine, I guess it’s true, but does it really deserve over 200,000 likes? I think they mistyped… it’s not “like a couple pages”, it’s “annoy the living crap out of your entire friends list by liking 50 or so pages”.

 

apple = health

health = strength

strength = looks

looks = girls

girls = sex

sex = aids

aids = death.

Who wants an apple?

What? How lonely and bored must this person have been to actually create this idiocy… and have it receive 134,000 likes.

 

Son : Mum, im not a virgin anymore…

Mom : :O

Son : Why so shocked?

Mom: Your too young!

awkward silence*

Son : mom, im 42.

What? Uh, was that supposed to be funny? I didn’t laugh. You shouldn’t either.

 

Best joke: Two sausages were in a pan. One says “Wow it’s hot in here!” the other says “OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE”

That joke stopped being funny when the dinosaurs died out. Same with the one about the kid having to pee, saying the alphabet, and peeing down his leg. I’m sure you’ve seen that one too.

 

Guy posts on slags wall.

Guy: omg your so fit.

Girl: thanks

Guy: oh wait i clicked on the wrong profile..

Uh… what? I don’t even-

 

Sorry im sexually attracted to you and when i touch you and feel you i just want to rip your clothes off..hope you dont mind

If you are 14 years old and you like this page, you need serious help. I don’t know why you would even want to like this. You sound like a slut. This is a case where the parents really need to monitor their kids’ facebook pages.

 

My boyfriend and I broke up because my “friend” told him that I was breaking up with him. I tried to tell him other wise, but he didn’t want to talk to me. Everyone is telling me he still loves me. I’ve been crying for weeks now and he has a new girlfriend already (trying to get over me). If 1,000 people like this by February 27th I’ll tell him that I still love him and ask if we could get back together in front of his new girlfriend.

Oh boy. Here we go with “if I get X number of likes by blahblahblah, I’ll…” posts. Please learn to solve your own problems.

 

you loved me yestoday you loved me the day before ,i done somthing stupid and you love me no more

A couple of things confuse me about this. Firstly, I can’t understand why anybody would care. Secondly, it’s kinda hard to tell through the awful spelling, but I think this is supposed to be sad. So why does it end in a heart like every other mushy sad love quote on here?

 

I bet your jealous that my nans nipples are glowsticks!

I hope to God that this is a movie quote or something.

 

loves like a little kid with a balloon. you have it for a while then it floats away and all you wanna do is cry because its gone and you cant find one like that balloon or person.

If you really take love advice from facebook… nevermind, I’m not even going to finish that sentence.

 

gf ; what would you do if i broke up with you .

bf ; i would go back to my ex .

gf ; ( crying ) im breakin up with you .

* many hours later .*

bf ; will you go out with me ?

gf ; i thought you were going to your ex .

bf ; you are my ex . (:

gf ; ♥

bf ; ♥

Give me a break. Look, nobody does this stuff in real life. It’s not even cute. It’s just idiotic.

 

If someone told me I wasn’t pretty or skinny, I wouldn’t sit around to wait for them to pull out a bouquet of roses and tell me I’m beautiful and perfect. I’d slap them. And I’m sure anyone else with any sense would do the same. I wouldn’t take the guy in the above scenario back. I’d just laugh at him, and I’m sure you would too. I also have yet to meet a guy who would be dumb enough to try any of these lines.

Life isn’t a cheesy fairy tale. Get used to it.

That said, this one made me laugh a little…

Girl: Sooo who do you like?

Boy: Hold on, I’ll call her

(Girl takes out phone, expecting call, but someone else picks up)

Boy: Lmao, this isn’t facebook, get real.

If that was a real scenario instead of something made up by some bored teenager, I would give that guy an award for totally ruining that idiotic girl’s dream world.

 

i’ve heard of crying myself to sleep, but what about smiling your self to sleep

That quote is so cheesy, it’s a whole freaking Kraft factory.

… Hey, I should make that a like page.

 

I could go on. There’s the ones that sound dirty and end with (see more), and if you clicked on them (which I don’t, because I’m afraid it’ll sign me up for something and I’ll start spamming everyone too), they end with something completely harmless. Har har. Hilarious.

There’s the ones that have popped up more recently that say “so and so is a [insert expletive here]“, with a link to a profile. I really hate humanity. That’s just pathetic.

Then there’s my personal favorite. After a cheesy joke or quote, it says “like if you agree”. Why can’t you just read it, giggle (or roll your eyes) and move on? Seriously, people. Feel free to read these things, but please do us all a favor and stop cluttering up your page and our newsfeeds with all this garbage. It’s a surefire way to make people lose all respect for you. And end up starring in one of my rants.

I’m not naming names, but I think people can figure out where this one came from. If you think you may be one of the people responsible for the disgust of hundreds of people, please do us a favor and find a new hobby. Thank you, and have a nice day. And I am truly sorry if I have hurt your feelings by pointing out that you live in the real world, where breakups are final, insults are real, and that bra size joke is not funny.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Facebook and Relationships

(Original post: February 20, 2011)

Originally, this was going to be an actual rant, since I didn’t get a chance to publish my opinion of Valentine’s Day and I seriously need to write something. However, as I got to thinking, I decided to try a different way of getting my point across. I originally tried to write out a high school relationship probability of longevity algorithm (it’s official; I watch too much Big Bang Theory), but I realized that people do so many dumb things that it was impossible to fit them all in one flowchart with a common end. Instead, I decided to redirect and focus on the idea of relationships and facebook… which I believe shouldn’t mix nearly as much as they do. So, without further ado, behold, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Facebook and Relationships.

Disclaimer: As always, I am not targeting any specific person in my writing this, and I am not asserting that I am a complete authority on this subject. My only implication is that, from my personal experiences and things I have seen other people do, I can assume that most of what I am saying is true in most cases. Hate mail can be directed to me via a message, so other people don’t have to sift through our potentially hostile correspondence. Thank you.

 

Chapter One: Making it Facebook Official

You’ve just started dating someone new and have decided that it is time to let the whole world into your business by announcing this (hopefully good) news on facebook. This can be done gracefully, or you can make a giant idiot of yourself. For those who may not be smart enough to figure this out for yourselves, here is a step-by-step breakdown of the process.

1. Make sure your new boyfriend or girlfriend is okay with this. You may be dating someone who still realizes that broadcasting everything over facebook isn’t what a relationship is about. If this is the case, you should use the communication skills that you hopefully still know how to use to come to a compromise.
2. If both parties agree, don’t freak out about who’s going to start it. Someone just needs to man (or woman) up edit their profile and change their relationship status to “in a relationship”, with the name of the other person, if they too have a facebook, and wait for the other person to accept the relationship request.
3. Don’t do anything else. Don’t post a mushy status about how much you “love” this person that you’ve been dating for roughly 24 hours. Don’t respond to comments on the changed relationship status. If someone posts an immature comment, delete it instead of participating in a flame war. Now that your relationship status is changed, that’s that. It won’t change again until you break up. Don’t make a big deal about it.

 

Chapter Two: Showing Affection via Facebook

For the love of God (or whoever), please just don’t do this. The point of a relationship is to… relate to/with each other. In person. Like, with actual face-to-face communication. Anything you could post on your significant other’s facebook wall would be much more meaningful (and less annoying to the rest of us) if you said it in person. Believe it or not, the other 99.9% of your friend list that isn’t the person you’re dating really doesn’t want to see their news feeds flooded with (most likely) premature proclamations of love. They don’t want to hear about your boyfriend’s sexy facial hair or how cute your girlfriend looked in her new dress today. Save that for some private form of communication, please.

This isn’t to say that you should pretend they don’t exist when you’re on facebook. Posting that you had a good time doing something with your boyfriend or girlfriend (provided the activity you participated in was rated G) is completely acceptable every once in a while, as long as you don’t go overboard with the hearts and smiley faces and cutesy song lyrics and “I love you”s. And please, don’t inform us of every time they smile, say something cute, or make out with you. We really don’t want to know, and hopefully they would have the good sense to be embarrassed, not flattered.

Also, if you refer to them by a pet name every once in a while (though you should avoid doing this, because everyone else finds it slightly nauseating), please spell it correctly. We don’t want to hear about your honey, baby, or sweetie, but we really don’t want to hear about your hunny, babie, or sweety.

You can definitely use facebook chat or messages as a way to communicate with your boyfriend or girlfriend, just don’t flood everyone with wall posts. As long as nobody else has to see it, you’re good. Your relationship is supposed to be your business, and your relationship will last longer if you keep it that way.

 

Chapter Three: Should I post that picture?

If you are making out in it, no. Period. End of story. Nobody wants to see that.

If you’ve been dating for a while, we can logically assume that you’ve probably kissed before. Please don’t show us. It looks trashy, and I can’t help but wonder why people who post pictures like this are wasting their time posing for kissing pictures when they could be kissing for real, or doing something else besides making idiots out of themselves. Also, we can logically assume that the person of the opposite sex that you’re with in your profile picture is your boyfriend or girlfriend. No need to be making out or feeling each other up to prove it to us.

You’re also going to feel really stupid when you break up at some point (as the statistics say you probably will) and have to go back through all those pictures. Maybe if you’d been focusing on having a relationship instead of trying to prove to the rest of the world that you have one, you’d still be together.

You can post appropriate pictures of/with your significant other, of course. A picture of the two of you at the beach or simply sitting on a bench together is a lot cuter and more socially acceptable than a picture of the two of you licking each others’ tonsils. Just try to be classy in your choice of photo and you’ll be sharing memories that you want to remember, not ones that you’ll eventually be ashamed of yourself for posting.

General rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t do it in front of a five-year-old, don’t take a picture of it.

 

Chapter Four: Publicizing Your Relationship Problems

Don’t do this either. If you want to talk to a couple of your friends about what’s going on to look for advice, then do that. However, you should go to them directly, instead of posting a general announcement that you and so-and-so are having issues.

Since you hopefully read chapter two and haven’t been overloading the internet with mushy wall posts and statuses, the rest of the world probably won’t even realize that you’re having relationship problems unless you break up (see chapter 7). This is how you want it to be. Publicizing your problems only makes you (and the other person) look stupid, potentially makes your disagreement even worse, and doesn’t really gain you any sympathy. In fact, if you make a big enough deal out of it, families like mine will probably start following your soap opera and having conversations over dinner about how pathetic you are.

Also, avoid trying to “subtly” suggest trouble in paradise by posting cryptic statuses and sad song lyrics. We know what you’re up to… we still don’t care, but you’re being really obvious. Not to mention, your choices of sad songs to quote usually suck, but let’s not get into that.

An issue in a relationship is an issue between two people. It may have occurred because of a third party, but that doesn’t mean you and the third party need to have a flame war via facebook. Sit down and talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend in person and work things out. If a compromise or solution can’t be reached, skip ahead and read the chapter on breaking up gracefully. Just don’t drag your whole network of friends, all of whom have their own agendas and opinions, into your personal life. You won’t get the best outcome for your relationship, and you risk sacrificing your reputation.

 

Chapter Five: Dealing with “Suspicious” Correspondence

Seeing as we are part of the facebook generation, it’s likely that your significant other has been posting statuses and pictures on their facebook for quite some time. When the time comes that you are bored one day and sift though your boyfriend/girlfriend’s old pictures and posts and find something about an old relationship, don’t freak out. If the pictures really bother you, ask in a non-confrontational way if the other person could delete them. They likely just forgot about them. However, since humans can’t predict the future, you can’t really get mad at them for having dated other people. It’s not like they knew they’d be in a long-term relationship with you one day and wouldn’t want to keep their pictures with what’s-his-face.

You also can’t expect the other person to stop communicating with friends. If a friend of the opposite sex posts something that sounds suspicious on your boyfriend/girlfriend’s profile, don’t panic. Don’t message them or comment on the post with a death threat. The best course would be to ignore it, unless it happens repeatedly, in which case you may need to talk to your significant other to see what they think. Since text communication doesn’t come with body language or audible clues as to the meaning of what they said, the posts are most likely harmless. If they aren’t, let the other person deal with their friend, but you should stay out of it. As hilarious as 100+ comment flame wars are, they do get annoying, and they’re not helping your relationship at all.

If someone is sending public or private posts to your boyfriend or girlfriend that are blatantly inappropriate or hateful, it’s still not okay to send death threats or beat the person up at school. Use the block button where it is necessary, and report the harassment to facebook and/or a parent or other adult. It sounds stupid, but it really is the best way to deal with the situation.

 

Chapter Six: A Real Relationship

An honest, caring, and hopefully long-lasting relationship does not take place exclusively on facebook, or through any other form of electronic communication. Take the time to actually see this person in real life outside of school. Don’t say anything to your significant other via facebook chat that you couldn’t tell them in person with a straight face.

I would like to think that this would be obvious, but from what I can see of posts from my acquaintances, maybe not.

 

Chapter 7: Bringing Your Relationship to a Graceful End

Despite your genuine feelings for each other and all the time you spent getting to know each other in person and leaving the facebook community out of your business, something has still gone irreversibly wrong. Perhaps it’s a mutual thing, or perhaps you’ve been horribly betrayed. Regardless, this is a very sad and emotional occasion, but since you took the time to announce your new relationship on facebook however long ago, now you must reverse the process. Be careful to ensure that you do this gracefully and avoid creating any unnecessary drama that will just make you more upset.

1. Go and change your relationship status, assuming your ex hasn’t already done this (or facebook dumped you, which is completely unacceptable in any circumstances, by the way).
2. If the circumstances of the end of your relationship were bad enough, you may wish to delete your ex. This is fine, as long as you don’t make a huge production out of it.
3. You may choose to delete the notice on your profile that you are now single, to avoid the impending onslaught of attempts at sympathy/getting details. Or, you may not. That’s a personal choice, but be aware that by leaving it up, you’re risking a flame war.
4. Get off the computer. People might send you messages of sympathy, but you don’t need to read those right away. Go do something that makes you happy, or set pictures of that selfish jerk on fire. Whatever hopefully improves your mood.
5. After an hour or so, it’s old news. Delete any obnoxious posts on your relationship status and avoid making any yourself. That should be the end of it.
6. Get on with your life. You’re upset now, but you’re still young. This isn’t the end of the world, and you can get through this. Without involving everyone else on facebook, of course. Avoid slandering your ex or threatening suicide/eternal misery anywhere that everyone else can see it. They’re not worth it, and no, you did not develop clinical depression that quickly. It’s going to be okay.

Well, there you have it. I think my urge to rant has been sufficiently satisfied, and maybe reading this will actually make a difference to someone who is guilty of some of the above offenses. We can only hope.

Christianity is a Religion, Not a Status Symbol

(Original post: November 7, 2010)

I’ve been meaning to write this for a very, very long time, and I think I’ve finally found the right way to do so. This is in no way an attack on Christianity, God, or the people who worship Him, but rather, it is intended to give anyone who reads it a little food for thought… I think after living in this hick town for so long, many of us become immune to the things going on around us that we’ve gotten used to, like the way Christianity is becoming an exclusive and rather hateful club. There is nothing wrong with Christianity itself, but rather, what some people have done with it.

I don’t think most people that read this will have any reason to be be offended. If you agree with me, you’re most likely of some religious affiliation (or lack thereof) other than Christianity and you know what I’m talking about even better than I do, or you’re a true Christian who knows how to worship with like-minded people without trying to reenact the Crusades. For the record, I’m friends with at least one priest and quite a few very religious people of various ages on here (most of which go to my church), and should any of them read this, I don’t think they’ll see any reason to burn me at the stake. If you are offended, then you’re probably one of the people I’m about to complain about, or you just hate me. If that’s the case, you’re welcome to close out of this whenever.

This really isn’t any different from any other rant, except for the fact that it discusses religion, which is apparently more controversial than Twilight, Taylor Swift, or idiotic teenagers. I’ve done my best to take all religious views into account and avoid suggesting one right way to believe, because there isn’t one. That’s just the nature of religion. However, unless being a jerk and public nuisance is now a religion, I think I’m well within my rights to say that there are wrong ways to act.

That said, enjoy. I hope someone, even just one person, really thinks about this and decides to make a change. Keep an open mind… I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I say, but this is still a topic that is worth some thought.

What is Christianity?

•  An organized system of beliefs. Christianity unites people around a common set of beliefs about what is right, what is wrong, and what happens after we die (as do all other religions). These beliefs bring people together to worship, gives individuals hope in times of difficulty, and offers a supportive community to help you through your troubles and share in your good fortune.
•  A very personal matter. The whole point of Christianity is to strengthen your personal relationship with God. You do this by going to church, sharing God’s love with those who wish to accept it in a non-confrontational way, and spending time with people who believe the same way you do. However, none of this is important if you don’t honestly believe in God. What really matters in the end is how you pray when you don’t have an audience.

What Christianity is Not

• The only existing/”correct” belief system. Religion is based on faith – believing without seeing. Nobody really knows what happens after we die, how to reach salvation, what kind of all-powerful being is watching over us, or what he/she/it expects of us (if such an entity even exists). Different groups of people have formed different systems of belief to explain life and the purpose for it, and there is no proof that says Christians are the only ones that were right. Just because someone believes differently than you do doesn’t make them the enemy. If you take the time to learn about other religions, you’ll see that most of them are built on a similar foundation as yours.
•  A synonym for morality. The basic values taught in Christianity (don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal, don’t treat other people like crap) are also the basic values taught in preschools. Just because someone isn’t a Christian or isn’t affiliated with a religion at all doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. Conversely, not all Christians abide by the basic values taught in Sunday School, as much as nobody wants to admit it. A good Christian doesn’t do drugs, kill people, or rob banks because their religion says those things are wrong, but an atheist doesn’t do those things either just because the basic code of human morality says those things are wrong. A lack of religious affiliation doesn’t automatically mean the person has no moral code.
•  Your get-out-of-jail free card. Christianity teaches that all people are sinners, but God will forgive them for their sins if they pray for forgiveness. For some reason, this is often interpreted as “I can do whatever the heck I want, because as long as I go to church on Sunday, I’m off the hook”. It doesn’t work that way. My non-Christian friends tend to score better in this category than many supposedly Christian people I know, because they believe that nobody’s perfect, but we should still try to be good people as much as possible. More on this later.
•  A status symbol that makes you better than everyone else. Finally, I get closer to the point of this diatribe. In my opinion, there is nothing more un-Christian than believing that your faith (which really isn’t anyone’s business but yours and is not proven to be superior) makes you better than someone else.  Especially around here (again, more on this later), Christianity is almost a fad, like wearing 200-dollar jeans that are cute with a capital Q or having a designer purse. If you have a cross necklace, a whole drawer of youth group t-shirts, and twenty bible verses on your facebook profile, you think you’re cooler than everyone else, that your opinion is more important, or in extreme cases, that you’re our area’s next best thing to Jesus. Give me a break.

A Few Thoughts on This Particular Town

We live in a small town that is heavily influenced by religion, as is the case with probably every other small town in existence. I realize that, which is why I know that in the grand scheme of things, this little rant probably won’t do any good. However, excuses aside, the situation here is getting ridiculous. Especially in the aftermath of the most recent media debacle (which was a big pile of idiocy on both sides, to the point where I can’t really side with either party involved because the thing was so blown out of proportion), you can’t walk ten feet in the local high school (y’know, the public high school that isn’t supposed to be shoving Christianity in your face) without having Christianity shoved in your face. Everyone seems to have this “fight the power” mentality, and now that the teachers can’t preach, the kids are picking up where they left off. Please, people, get over it. So what that some people can’t blatantly pray in public? Praying can just as easily be done in private… you just want to make a statement.

That said, of course you are well within your rights to worship however you see fit, without going to extremes. If you want to pray quietly before you eat lunch, go for it. However, please don’t stand up on the table and try to get the whole cafeteria to recite the Lord’s Prayer with you. In addition, pretending to be a Christian just to boost your image or warping it to suit your own needs is unacceptable. Below is a list of things that you, as citizens of the armpit of the Bible belt, should seriously stop doing.

•  Shoving your religion in everyone’s faces. Like, holy crap people. We get it. You go to church. Congratulations. Whether we go to church or not, we have no interest in hearing you talk or seeing your decked out in church-related paraphernalia from head to toe. If someone says “I like your necklace”, don’t assault them with a 20-minute monologue about how they got it at their church’s ministry fair, and Hey! Would you like to go to church with me on Sunday? It’s so much better than your church! If you’re told to write an essay about the most influential person in your life, and you pick God, fine. However, make sure you write an essay, not a sermon. You’re not going to convert your whole English class. Also, don’t just do it so everyone can think you’re awesome because you wrote about God. That’s just annoying, and we really don’t think you’re cool. We think you’re trying to get attention. Unfortunately, it works.
•  Disliking/attacking others simply because they believe differently than you do. Refer back to what Christianity is and isn’t. Just because someone has a different belief, or no belief at all, doesn’t make them a bad person. I’m sick of seeing people verbally or even physically assaulted for having the guts to say that maybe there isn’t a God. Calling someone an idiot for not believing in your God isn’t very Godly, IMHO.
•  Hating on other denominations. This goes hand-in-hand with that last point. The only thing stupider than a Christian hating on an agnostic is a Catholic hating on an Episcopalian. Sheesh, they’re both Christians. They believe basically the same things, but they just have slightly different rules and views. So you can take communion in the Episcopal church without being confirmed… who cares? It’s not heresy.
•  Being a Christian only when it suits you. I absolutely can’t stand people like this. They’re a Christian when they’re hanging out with their friends at youth group, but when they run into the new girl their ex-boyfriend is dating, all Christian values go out the window and that poor girl ends up needing extensive plastic surgery. They’re a Christian when they’re rallying in front of the courthouse for some doofus, but later, they’re cussing someone out for looking at them funny. … Oh wait, I forgot, God will forgive you for that, right? Which brings me to my next point….
•  Using your supposed religion to justify your inappropriate actions. Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes, we all say things we don’t mean, we all lose our temper. However, this attitude that some people have that they can get away with being deliberately malicious because God will still love them is ridiculous. Sure, maybe God will still love you, but I’m sure He’s thinking “Why did I put all the opinionated, violent rednecks in the same town?” I mean, seriously. I have actually heard someone say “I didn’t mean to cheat on you… and even if you won’t forgive me, Jesus will!” Hey, here’s an idea… don’t cheat on him in the first place. I hope he dumped her.
•  Being a bandwagon Christian. It’s like being a bandwagon football fan… you cheer for the team and own every item of clothing on earth with the team logo on it, but you can’t name a single player. Don’t go posting Bible verses or Christian song lyrics just because everyone else is doing it. It’s kind of stupid when someone asks you what that Bible verse you posted means and you have no clue. Just saying.
•  Being really, really obviously fake. If you’re going to try to present yourself as a Christian, try actually wearing clothes in public (no, those three-inch-long shorts and that spaghetti strap tank top don’t qualify), not wearing ten pounds of makeup, and not performing sexual acts in public places. Really. People who do that just crack me up.
•  Trying to convert everyone you see. If someone actually tells you that they aren’t Christian instead of running for their lives for fear of being ostracized from society, don’t attach to them like a leech for the rest of their life trying to get them to go to church. If they want to “find Jesus”, they’ll go find him themselves. If someone doesn’t believe in God, they either have a very logical reason that you don’t need to know and have no hope of changing, or they just don’t care, in which case you’re wasting your time. Nobody is going to find Jesus when you’re harassing them during Chemistry. Stop trying.
•  Taking everything people say about religion super-personally and trying to save the world with Jesus. Chill out. Just because someone doesn’t believe in your God doesn’t mean they hate you as a person. Just because someone is using profanity in public doesn’t mean it’s your job to get them to shut up. Just because someone looks depressed doesn’t mean they need to hear the word of God to cheer them up. If someone wants your help, they’ll ask for it, and just because they don’t agree with you doesn’t mean they hate you.
•  Purposely instigating religious arguments. Religious arguments can be interesting, and they have their place, but an offhand comment during an English class shouldn’t result in another installment of the Crusades. And for the record, this is not intended to instigate a religious argument. I realize one may result, but if you want to argue your right to write Bible verses on the mirror in the bathroom or lead your entire homeroom in prayer, message me instead of posting it on here. I’m really not trying to start world war three, though… I’m just saying some things that need to be said, and killing a really boring afternoon. Unhand the torches and pitchforks, please.

On the other hand…

I am in no way denying your right of free speech in general. If, after reading this, you still know deep in your heart that you are a true Christian who doesn’t do those things I just mentioned, good for you. I know true Christians do still exist in amongst all the attention-seeking bozos, and I’m not denying for a second that you might be one of them. Feel free to  wear your youth group t-shirt with pride, post a Bible verse every once in a while, or tell me how much fun you had on your church retreat. As long as you keep it to a minimum and you don’t flip out if someone disagrees with you, there’s nothing wrong with being comfortable in your religion. The Christian faith, as it as originally intended to be followed, is a wonderful belief system to have… it’s just not the only one. Religious tolerance, kids. Do something different.

Dear Taylor Swift, You Suck

(Original post: October 31, 2010)

Anyone who’s had the experience of being in a car with me when a Taylor Swift song comes on the radio can probably guess where I’m going with this without reading any further. However, seeing as very few people have had the privilege of hearing this rant live, complete with hand motions and extremely over-exaggerated expressions of pain, I figured I’d finally post it on here. I realize that I’m going to fall out of a lot of peoples’ favor with this, because there are many fairly logical people who listen to Taylor Swift, and for that, I apologize. In her defense, there’s much worse music that kids could be listening to these days.

In fact, my issue with Taylor Swift isn’t really that she’s a horrible singer (I mean, she might be, seeing as everyone’s autotuned these days, but I won’t get into that), it’s just that her music is so freaking annoying. All her songs sound the same. They’re all about the same ridiculous things. They’re also not country, despite contrary belief. Just because someone dresses “country”, has a bit of an accent, and claims their music is country doesn’t mean it actually is. Country music also sucks, but Taylor Swift sings what I refer to as “innocent yet idiotic music of questionable musical genre that happens to be sung in a slightly country style”. Seriously.

I get that everyone claims they can relate to her music. Supposedly, every teenager goes through phases of having pathetic crushes on people that they can’t date for one reason or another, being so miserable after the breakup of their two-week relationship that they can’t go on, and fantasizing about Romeo and Juliet. Obviously, I missed the memo, because I don’t do that crap, and I’m also smart enough to realize that Romeo and Juliet died. But okay, 99.9% of the female teenage population can relate to Taylor Swift’s songs. According to various Taylor Swift-loving friends of mine, having music like that to listen to in their times of sadness is very comforting. I’m all for that. Please put the pitchforks down now.

My main question here is, why are Taylor Swift’s insecurity issues yucking up oldies radio? Most people who listen to old music are, believe it or not, old. They don’t want to hear about how Taylor Swift and the rest of the teenage population can’t accept rejection or thinks relationships are like fairy tales. Neither do I. Taylor Swift is also encouraging young girls to turn into drama queens, as I have seen firsthand. There are 8 year olds who think “Teardrops on my Guitar” is the theme song of their life. I think I just figured out why everyone over the age of 6 thinks they’re in love now… nice going, Taylor Swift and anyone else who sings similar music.

Taylor Swift also offers the teenage population another way to stir up drama and get other people into their business just so they can complain about it. They post Taylor Swift lyrics as their status, and everyone goes “OMG, what’s wrong? Are you and so-and-so having relationship issues?!!!”, just so the poster can go “Nooo, I just like the song”, while secretly being glad that people noticed. Meanwhile, so-and-so is like “What?” I mean, seriously, has anyone else noticed this fad, or is it just me? There’s also the girls that post some of the more pathetic ones in hopes that the person they’re thinking about will read their status and somehow realize it’s directed at them. Fail. Please deal with your problems somewhere else, or at the very least, just tell us what your problem is instead of trying to mask your insecurity issues with Taylor Swift. You’re really not that cool.

For everyone’s enjoyment/to inspire more hate mail bait, I’m going to analyze some of Taylor Swift’s most popular songs… the ones that all sound alike and play on old soft rock stations every other song. I might even throw in a couple more that I think are particularly funny, if I feel like it. If at any time while reading this, you feel like sending me some hate mail, go for it. I would love to hear about how I’m an idiot for dissing your favorite song that’s helping you get through the breakup of your extremely short-term high school love affair.

First stop, my number one least favorite Taylor Swift song of all time. Say hello to Love Story. Look… it’s just stupid. For about the six billionth time, Romeo and Juliet was a TRAGEDY, and they freaking DIED at the end, and if you seriously expect your life to ever be all cutesy and fairy tale perfect, you need to get out of this dream world you’re in.

Then there’s the runner-up, Teardrops On My Guitar. After hearing the song about 94395436984 times because it gets so much airplay and actually reading the lyrics a few times, I think I have a pretty decent understanding of what it’s about. Let me know if I’m about right on this. So, there’s this girl, and she’s obsessed with this guy named Drew, but she can’t date him because he’s dating some other chick. She wallows in self-pity because she can’t accept the fact that her friend is happy with the girl he’s dating and that you don’t get everything you want in life, and cries herself to sleep while holding a guitar, because she’s just that cool. She just endlessly hates on this other girl instead of either (a) getting over it, because it’s a crush and she’ll get over it, and Drew is obviously happy, or (b) at least telling this Drew guy that she’s obsessed with him, so he can either dump the other chick for her or get a restraining order. Really not that difficult, kids.

Oh wait, back up, I forgot about You Belong With Me. Nevermind, this is the worst Taylor Swift song ever written. This takes “pathetic” to a whole new level. So basically, this girl who isn’t a cheerleader and who favors wearing t-shirts to dressing like a slut is all sad because the popular boy she’s obsessed with doesn’t like her. Let us count the failures in this song, shall we?

1. The girl seems to be friends with the object of her deranged affection, to some extent (hm, where have we seen that theme before?), but through all this time they spend together, she never once mentions that she’s obsessed with him. Hey, you have to start somewhere.
2. Obviously, this guy goes for cheerleader-type girls. Wonder what his priorities in a relationship are. She’s better off without him.
3.  She complains about how this guy’s girlfriend isn’t right for him. Uh, I believe that’s his problem.
4. Just… ugh. I could keep going, but I’m tired of thinking about this song, so I’m moving on now.

A quick note about Fifteen. While I love the suggestion that young people are, for the most part, clueless and easily manipulated, there’s this one little thing that bugs me…

“It’s your freshman year and you’re gonna be here For the next four years in this town Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say “You know I haven’t seen you around, before”

WTF? Congrats, you’re a freshman and you’re already a mega-slut.

And then there’s Forever & Always, which I don’t think I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing, but the lyrics are absolutely hysterical. Of COURSE he didn’t mean it! The majority of the teenage population is incapable of love, and you should not be talking about “forever” when you’re… what? 12? 14? 16?

Okay, I’m off my soapbox now. I will reiterate that I’m not calling the people who listen to Taylor Swift stupid, but Taylor Swift’s songs are stupid. You’re welcome to listen to her music, just please keep it in the back of your mind that you really need to have a better grip on yourself than this. As always, flames are welcome and always amusing, but make sure your complaint is valid. Enjoy the rest of your Halloween, everybody.

Shameless Butchering of the English Language

(Original post: October 9, 2010)

That’s it, I can remain silent no longer. It seems to be that the majority of the facebook community could use a refresher course on how to sound like a semi-intelligent human being when typing. Look, I understand that people use abbreviations and purposely leave letters out of words to save time when texting, but how does adding more letters make texting easier? What’s up with all this double-spacing and inserting spaces where there shouldn’t be any? Or turning one word into two words, just because you can? Congrats, hundreds of thousands of dead English teachers and generally intelligent people are rolling in their graves.

For the benefit of those who may have forgotten, here’s a basic review of how to construct a sentence. It’s even in step-by-step wikiHow format, both to entertain your short attention span and because I’m going into wH withdrawal.

1. Begin with a capital letter. I realize that the effort to push the shift key might be too much for you to handle, especially if you’re updating your status from a cell phone, but if you’re typing with a keyboard, you have no excuse. Just waste another fraction of a second of your time to hit the dang shift key. Now, you do have to hit the shift key and the letter you want to capitalize at the same time, which might be difficult for you, but don’t worry, I’m sure you can get it with practice.
2. Continue with an intelligent thought, capitalizing where appropriate (names of people, places, etc). Please spell all the words correctly, and give each word only the correct number of letters, instead of repeating the last one twenty times. Same goes for chat acronyms; “OMG” is correct, but “omggggggg” is not. Do not separate compound words (believe it or not, “football” is one word. I would think hick people would know that). Do not create compound words. Yes people, “every day” is two words (in most cases; there are some exceptions, but I have yet to come across someone using the one-word form correctly). “I love you” is three words, and the I should always be capitalized. You also shouldn’t be posting this phrase, grammatically correct or otherwise, to the wall of your boyfriend of two days.
3. Separate thoughts with some form of punctuation. Since very few people who don’t already do this aren’t really capable of long, intelligent thoughts, a period should suffice once you run out of things to say. However, if you are prone to rambling, please separate ideas with commas. However, don’t overdo it. “So, guess what, I, love you!” or “Every Tueday, I go, to the grocery store” are not correct, and the comma makes you sound like it took you a while to remember how to finish the sentence you were typing because you were wiping the drool trail off your chin. If you are unsure of where to use commas, feel free to message me or anyone else whose facebook posts are occasionally worth reading. Also, please note that the punctuation goes right after the last word of your thought. There is no space there. Seriously , this is not correct , and when you type like this , intelligent people laugh at you. The only thing that could make that worse ; is when you separate thoughts with semicolons when you have no idea how to use them. Just… don’t. Semicolons are too cool for you.
4. Repeat until you have finished saying what you want to say. Please, spare us and don’t end your status or comment with a public announcement that you love so-and-so (even though you’ve only been dating for a week), or worse, that you just like someone, because nobody really gives a crap. Finish what you’re going to say, proofread it, and click “post”. Sit back and prepare for peoples’ opinions of you to improve drastically. Maybe people will stop speaking to you in person like you’re five and/or profoundly mentally retarded, because they’ve discovered that you do indeed know how to communicate like an intelligent person via text.

Now, I will throw in a quick disclaimer. I do know some intelligent people who type like this every so often for the sake of individuality or something. While reading that still freaks me out, at least I know that the person who posted it does know how to type correctly, and does so most of the time. It’s the people that truly think “everydayyyyyyyy !” is a word that I’m really worried about. Please, if you know someone like that, reach out to them. Buy them a dictionary for their next birthday. Find some way to program their cellular device to not allow them to type until they’ve capitalized the first word of the sentence (but don’t program it to do that for them… that encourages more laziness). Do whatever you have to do. Together, we can fight this mass butchering of the English language and overall deterioration of the average teenage girl’s IQ.